[6] This Babbling Broken Heart Just Won't Shut Up

Today I started thinking
about the people I love.

I love a lot of people.
I love Wally,
but he doesn't love me.
We're over
but still always together.
We still sleep together.
But he doesn't want to get back together.

I am tainted.

I love Erin,
my little sister.
I named her Smidgit.
She calls me Sissy.
But she doesn't love me
like she used to anymore.
I've become a parent
because my mother can't ever do that.
So she resents me
though I protect her.
I try to be fair,
to be gentle.
But I'm afraid.
So afraid.
I would die.
I would kill myself in the most painful of ways
if I ever lose her.
I wouldn't be able to live knowing
thinking
remembering
that.
She used to follow me around
like I was her sun,
her savior and life.
I am replaced by her slutty 13 year old friends.
I am behind a think
unbreakable
wall
that she has built to keep me out.

I am exiled and replaced.

I love Karen.
My step mother.
She cares for me
but I am broken
and she knows she can't fix me.
Sometimes she forgets to.
But she lives on the opposite side of the states.

I love my father.
I love him so much.
And I will always miss him.
That's all I can do.
I can't hug him,
touch him,
cry with him.
I love you Daddy.
I miss you.

Alone.

I love very few friends.
They have all screwed up
or I have.
They will not be there forever
or I cannot trust them to be.

So I started thinking,
No one loves me
the way that I love them.
But I can't control that.

I don't know why I'm whining about this.