Fucking Awesome.
Now I think my scale is off.
It tells me I am less
than the scales at the gym.
I don't want to admit it though.
It makes me feel like all I worked for
is right back in me.
According to my scale,
I weighed 110.2 this morning.
According to their scale,
I weighed 114.something this afternoon.
That means I was even fatter
when I started.
That means I should work even harder.
I let Kelsie try to stuff me today.
I let her feed me an apple
I didn't mind that
But I didn't eat the wheat-bran waffle.
I broke it into pieces
so it looked like I ate some
and then I threw all the pieces out
away
from
me.
I feel strong and in control
because that's what Ana is.
I know that.
I don't believe it's wrong.
They say it's wrong,
but it protects me.
I want to feel protected.
Ana protect me.
Mia hurt me.
Mia never helped.
Mia let me stay fat
when all I wanted to do
was lose more.
Was purge more.
But purging never helped.
I could purge all day
but it never helped!
I don't ever want to be Mia's friend ever again.
I joined the gym today too.
I do not want to just be skin and bones.
I want the fat on my thighs and butt to go away.
Kelsie worked me too the core
and I did not give up.
She wanted smoothies.
She wanted me to drink 340 calories.
Was she insane?
I picked the one with only 180.
I drank it so slow,
but had no water to fill me up between sips.
I chewed on the seeds from the raspberries and strawberries.
That left me at
Coffee + Cream & Sugar = 30
3 Egg Whites = 48
1/4 Scooped Whole Wheat English Muffin = 20
1/4 Serving of Peanut Butter = 47.5
1 Small Apple = 80
That fucking Smoothie = 180
That fucking 1/4 Kashi Pizza = 217.5
Total Today = 623
That's around my general intake
but it feels like WAY TOO MUCH.
Looking back, it sounds horrible,
you know it does.
I don't even want to talk about Wally.
He's made me so angry today.
He's made me want to punch walls
or more holes in my skin.
The cuts on my hip are so lovely.
So long.
So thin.
So red.
They're my secret, shh.
Every time I see them I smile.
The little cuts in my wrist that no one notices too.
They're my secret.
All mine.
Now I think my scale is off.
It tells me I am less
than the scales at the gym.
I don't want to admit it though.
It makes me feel like all I worked for
is right back in me.
According to my scale,
I weighed 110.2 this morning.
According to their scale,
I weighed 114.something this afternoon.
That means I was even fatter
when I started.
That means I should work even harder.
I let Kelsie try to stuff me today.
I let her feed me an apple
I didn't mind that
But I didn't eat the wheat-bran waffle.
I broke it into pieces
so it looked like I ate some
and then I threw all the pieces out
away
from
me.
I feel strong and in control
because that's what Ana is.
I know that.
I don't believe it's wrong.
They say it's wrong,
but it protects me.
I want to feel protected.
Ana protect me.
Mia hurt me.
Mia never helped.
Mia let me stay fat
when all I wanted to do
was lose more.
Was purge more.
But purging never helped.
I could purge all day
but it never helped!
I don't ever want to be Mia's friend ever again.
I joined the gym today too.
I do not want to just be skin and bones.
I want the fat on my thighs and butt to go away.
Kelsie worked me too the core
and I did not give up.
She wanted smoothies.
She wanted me to drink 340 calories.
Was she insane?
I picked the one with only 180.
I drank it so slow,
but had no water to fill me up between sips.
I chewed on the seeds from the raspberries and strawberries.
That left me at
Coffee + Cream & Sugar = 30
3 Egg Whites = 48
1/4 Scooped Whole Wheat English Muffin = 20
1/4 Serving of Peanut Butter = 47.5
1 Small Apple = 80
That fucking Smoothie = 180
That fucking 1/4 Kashi Pizza = 217.5
Total Today = 623
That's around my general intake
but it feels like WAY TOO MUCH.
Looking back, it sounds horrible,
you know it does.
I don't even want to talk about Wally.
He's made me so angry today.
He's made me want to punch walls
or more holes in my skin.
The cuts on my hip are so lovely.
So long.
So thin.
So red.
They're my secret, shh.
Every time I see them I smile.
The little cuts in my wrist that no one notices too.
They're my secret.
All mine.
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