[8] Just A Sigh

I love this feeling.
Have you had it?
Where you're lighter than air.
Where you're so empty and clean inside
you feel like you could fly.

I love this feeling.

[7] MY 'Just For Today's'

Ok, back on track.
Last night I partied.
I had 2 half shots.
One was Smirnoff [28]
the Malibu [34.5].
Not even worth it.
But we were out of juice.
I shouldn't even drink
for way too many reasons.
But the biggest one now,
the one that will keep me straightest
is counting.

Then we smoked some pot.
As if I could have done anything fucking more retarded.
We went to Denny's
and I'm estimating around 700
consumed in one sitting.

Fucking DISGUSTING.

I puked it all right back up.
Even better,
a woman came in after,
and the toilet wasn't flushing.
Gross.

I ran out while she was in the stall
so she couldn't see me.
Then I rushed everyone
saying we needed to get back to the party
even though me and Wally were coming back to my house.

I am restricting full on today.
I slept through breakfast
and I am drinking coffee now.
I want to get to drinking black coffee.
I'm working on it.
I put in one tsp of sugar [15]
and one tsp of non-dairy creamer [10].

I gained a pound back.
I weight 111.2.
Disgusting.

Haha screw you OA.
Here's my 'Just For Today's.'

Just for today,
I will stay strong today.
I will not eat a damn thing.
I will go to the gym
I will use the elliptical

until I can't feel my legs.
Until I forget about all the things
I hate about myself.

See, you weren't useless.
I learned something.

[6] This Babbling Broken Heart Just Won't Shut Up

Today I started thinking
about the people I love.

I love a lot of people.
I love Wally,
but he doesn't love me.
We're over
but still always together.
We still sleep together.
But he doesn't want to get back together.

I am tainted.

I love Erin,
my little sister.
I named her Smidgit.
She calls me Sissy.
But she doesn't love me
like she used to anymore.
I've become a parent
because my mother can't ever do that.
So she resents me
though I protect her.
I try to be fair,
to be gentle.
But I'm afraid.
So afraid.
I would die.
I would kill myself in the most painful of ways
if I ever lose her.
I wouldn't be able to live knowing
thinking
remembering
that.
She used to follow me around
like I was her sun,
her savior and life.
I am replaced by her slutty 13 year old friends.
I am behind a think
unbreakable
wall
that she has built to keep me out.

I am exiled and replaced.

I love Karen.
My step mother.
She cares for me
but I am broken
and she knows she can't fix me.
Sometimes she forgets to.
But she lives on the opposite side of the states.

I love my father.
I love him so much.
And I will always miss him.
That's all I can do.
I can't hug him,
touch him,
cry with him.
I love you Daddy.
I miss you.

Alone.

I love very few friends.
They have all screwed up
or I have.
They will not be there forever
or I cannot trust them to be.

So I started thinking,
No one loves me
the way that I love them.
But I can't control that.

I don't know why I'm whining about this.

[5] Fuck

No gym tonight...
Bogus, short ass post,
but I had to say it.
I forgot the gym changed it's hours...

Fuck.

I guess it's a good thing I
only had 400 calories today.
But still...
Fuck!

[4] They Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut You Up

My beautiful lines are fading.
They're no longer the vibrant red
of new incisions.

The holes I poked in my wrist
still make me smile.
They're my secret,
and I can see them all day long.
I can blame it on those playful adoption kittens.
They just don't know how to watch those claws/teeth!
Adorable, right?

Definitely a lot cuter than
that blade I broke out of a disposable razor.

I can never stop thinking about wanting to make more.
Wanting more reinforcements and reminders
to stay strong and
resist
those
calories!

I need water.
It's so cold out again.
Florida weather,
I will welcome you back
with open arms
and without complaint!

[3] Fail

Fucked up last night.
Horribly.
I'm disgusted.

Hanging out with some friends
they drank beer,
I drank water.
They started cooking,
and I was fine,
then suddenly starving!

I ate 1 scooped whole wheat bagel [est. 100]
Full Fat Cream Cheese [200]
Thick Slice Of Steak Tomato [8]

The A Spinach Wrap [est. 100]
Full Fat Shredded Cheddar [50]
Lettuce [4]
Tomato [6]
Banana Peppers [12]

And Mixed Nuts [est 200]

So for the entire FUCKED night,
I totaled at 680 Calories.

More than I ate
that
entire
day.

Then I purged it all back up,
leaving probably around 100 calories
since I'm sure all the food never comes back up.

Then today sucked too.
Forgot to take my vitamins
which always makes me
even more uncontrollable.
I ordered breakfast with a friend.
An omelet,
3 egg whites [48]
Feta Cheese [198]
Tomatoes [15]
Onions [21]
Whole Wheat Toast [90]
Oatmeal [like 300 because I'm a cow]

Total = 672

This sent me over the edge,
because I lost control
and kept wanting to eat more
of the damn omelet
because it was there.
If it wasn't there,
there would have been no temptation.
Stupid omelet.
Stupid/fat/disgusting/cow/pig me.
I purged.
Maybe half of it.
So that's back down to
336.
But I don't want to purge anymore.
Has to stop.

So now I just ate 4 egg whites [64]
because I'm going to the gym later.
If I stay at that,
I'll have only consumed 400 calories today.
Consume. Disgusting.

I can burn that off at the gym.
Maybe I'll go earlier to get in some cardio
before Kelsie gets there.
We're working on our upper body today
since we worked our lower yesterday.
I did 20 crunches today.
That's nothing.
I should do more.

[2] All Mine

Fucking Awesome.
Now I think my scale is off.
It tells me I am less
than the scales at the gym.

I don't want to admit it though.
It makes me feel like all I worked for
is right back in me.

According to my scale,
I weighed 110.2 this morning.
According to their scale,
I weighed 114.something this afternoon.
That means I was even fatter
when I started.

That means I should work even harder.

I let Kelsie try to stuff me today.
I let her feed me an apple
I didn't mind that
But I didn't eat the wheat-bran waffle.
I broke it into pieces
so it looked like I ate some
and then I threw all the pieces out
away
from
me.

I feel strong and in control
because that's what Ana is.
I know that.
I don't believe it's wrong.
They say it's wrong,
but it protects me.
I want to feel protected.
Ana protect me.

Mia hurt me.
Mia never helped.
Mia let me stay fat
when all I wanted to do
was lose more.
Was purge more.
But purging never helped.

I could purge all day
but it never helped!

I don't ever want to be Mia's friend ever again.

I joined the gym today too.
I do not want to just be skin and bones.
I want the fat on my thighs and butt to go away.

Kelsie worked me too the core
and I did not give up.

She wanted smoothies.
She wanted me to drink 340 calories.

Was she insane?
I picked the one with only 180.
I drank it so slow,
but had no water to fill me up between sips.
I chewed on the seeds from the raspberries and strawberries.
That left me at
Coffee + Cream & Sugar = 30
3 Egg Whites = 48
1/4 Scooped Whole Wheat English Muffin = 20
1/4 Serving of Peanut Butter = 47.5
1 Small Apple = 80
That fucking Smoothie = 180
That fucking 1/4 Kashi Pizza = 217.5

Total Today = 623

That's around my general intake
but it feels like WAY TOO MUCH.

Looking back, it sounds horrible,
you know it does.

I don't even want to talk about Wally.
He's made me so angry today.
He's made me want to punch walls
or more holes in my skin.

The cuts on my hip are so lovely.
So long.
So thin.
So red.
They're my secret, shh.

Every time I see them I smile.
The little cuts in my wrist that no one notices too.
They're my secret.
All mine.

[1] Firstie

I haven't got anything much to write about now,
except I can't sleep.
WARNING!
Unstable Girl, Beware!

I had 4 egg whites [64] for breakfast,
didn't even bother with the half of a
scooped whole wheat English muffin [50]
or the slight smear of light cream cheese [20].
Lunch was half a veggie delight sub,
no cheese [230],
snack plain oatmeal [100]
dinner, other half of sub [230].
Might have tossed that up during a random
and seriously unexpected/unwanted binge&purge...
I really want to stop that.
No Boerhaave's syndrome for me.
Hell no.
Total = Approx. 624 calories
Not bad.
Barely did ANY exercise today though.
60 squats, as opposed to my normal 100+ throughout the day.
No lunges. No crunches.
I think I'm looking better though.
Still, no swim suit material here.


I poke holes in me,
I wonder if the sun will shine through.
Maybe shine between the angry red lines,
or around the little polka-dots.


I was bad,
then I was better.
I'm not worse now,
but I'm not better anymore either.


I wonder what I will be like in the future,
because I know I won't be like this forever.
I know my thoughts can't keep me awake forever.
Anxiety... What a bitch.