[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[18] Unlovable

He stayed because

he didn't want to see me cry.

He stayed because he cares about me.

But he doesn't love me.

He doesn't feel the same anymore.

He told me how he felt,

so I returned the favor :

"I feel like a worthless piece of shit."

"Why?"

"I'm nothing to no one.

No one loves me.

I don't even love me."

That's emo,

but it true.

And the 'whole' me

says I'm fucking pathetic.

The 'real' me

says to grow the fuck up.

No one in this world

means anything

to anyone

except

themselves.

But the 'Ana' me,

the girl trying to disappear

won't hear it.

Hearing that would derail everything.

Making sense would mean moving on.

Living.

I'm going to sit and rot for a while.

Why?

Why now?

Because with this one last straw,

my now skeletal back

has broken.

Because life has whittled me

down to this pathetic piece of shit.

And because despite me knowing all this,

despite me knowing that only you

can truly destroy yourself, 

or bring yourself down,

I just don't care anymore.

My life is going on mute 

for now.

And I don't know if I'll

ever want to hear the calamity again.

Oh, and these veins

will scream their sorrow tonight.

[16] I Want To Disappear

I'm just not here anymore.

I wasn't myself this week,

and I hate it.

And then there's you.

You can't let me go,

but you refuse to let me in...

I can't even say three words anymore.

You keep me around 

because I'm all you know anymore...

I let you stay

because you're everything to me

and I don't want to let you go.

I know I'm letting myself fall,

I know I'm destroying myself.

I don't care anymore.

Love will be the death of me.

How tragically cliche.

How pathetic.

It's a constant struggle

between what I want

and what I believe.

What I think I should be,

and what I am painfully not.

I haven't eaten all morning.

My legs are getting thinner.

The fat on my thighs is starting to fade.

Finally.  But it's still there.

It's still disgusting.

I haven't worn shorts in 10 years.

I'm too disgusting for that.

I would turn heads and stomachs.

I want to be able to go to the beach

and not feel like one of the blobs

people laugh about with their friends,

cringe, gag, laugh, point.

I want to go away.

[8] Just A Sigh

I love this feeling.
Have you had it?
Where you're lighter than air.
Where you're so empty and clean inside
you feel like you could fly.

I love this feeling.

[6] This Babbling Broken Heart Just Won't Shut Up

Today I started thinking
about the people I love.

I love a lot of people.
I love Wally,
but he doesn't love me.
We're over
but still always together.
We still sleep together.
But he doesn't want to get back together.

I am tainted.

I love Erin,
my little sister.
I named her Smidgit.
She calls me Sissy.
But she doesn't love me
like she used to anymore.
I've become a parent
because my mother can't ever do that.
So she resents me
though I protect her.
I try to be fair,
to be gentle.
But I'm afraid.
So afraid.
I would die.
I would kill myself in the most painful of ways
if I ever lose her.
I wouldn't be able to live knowing
thinking
remembering
that.
She used to follow me around
like I was her sun,
her savior and life.
I am replaced by her slutty 13 year old friends.
I am behind a think
unbreakable
wall
that she has built to keep me out.

I am exiled and replaced.

I love Karen.
My step mother.
She cares for me
but I am broken
and she knows she can't fix me.
Sometimes she forgets to.
But she lives on the opposite side of the states.

I love my father.
I love him so much.
And I will always miss him.
That's all I can do.
I can't hug him,
touch him,
cry with him.
I love you Daddy.
I miss you.

Alone.

I love very few friends.
They have all screwed up
or I have.
They will not be there forever
or I cannot trust them to be.

So I started thinking,
No one loves me
the way that I love them.
But I can't control that.

I don't know why I'm whining about this.