My step mother is visiting.
Every time she visits,
I can feel her sizing me up
noting every inch lost
noting every new bone visible.
It makes me feel terrible.
And any time I go to the bathroom,
she makes some statement
or asks some question
to be sure that that's all I'm doing.
I don't feel like asking for help anymore.
I feel like a nuisance
that even she pushes aside
because it's my own selfish
minuscule problem.
I've been fucking up a lot lately.
Thought I had the hang of this.
Got cocky.
Forgot how easy it is
to lose control.
I've purged the last 3/4 days in a row.
I think it's somehow connected
with the fact that I haven't gone to the gym either.
I've been so fucking busy
that I end up so fucking tired.
I feel like I'm wasting money.
Makes me think I'm like my mother.
Hell no...
Karen, my step mother,
wants to buy me a new bed,
wants to buy me new shoes,
wants to send me to college,
and she can!
Know why?
Because she isn't s stupid idiot
like my mother.
Because she didn't give her life
to some guy.
Because she's a smart, independent woman.
I'll be like that.
I'm going to be a groomer,
I'm going to own my own business.
It's going to be awesome.
And I'll be like Bobbie.
Totally chill,
totally happy with life
and an amazing person.
Haha, imagination is fun.
Lord, I need new friends.
Any advice on broadening your horizons?
I'm fucking clueless.
Oh, and I'm so getting into art again.
It's like... the only way to quiet everything.
My brain, my heart, my everything.
Quiet.
I love it.
And that was just finger painting
for lack of better utensils.
Imagine what really painting
and creating will be like.
