[36] I'll Be Damned

     I made that other blog

to get away from the darkness of this one.

Yea, I haven't even posted on here in forever

and I'm still purging.  I purge over absolutely nothing.

I don't know if I'm happy, miserable, depressed, content.

It's up and down all the time.

But I can control this.

I firmly believe that I don't have a mental problem,

I just have my limits, and they are being tested

and that is what is making me so crazed.

But I don't know my limits.

I don't know what's wrong.

Cut again, and I missed it.

Cutting.  Puking. Crying.

I am glorious.

I need love.  Love for myself.

Love for another.

There is no love in this house,

and it is a house 

because I'll be damned 

if I ever call it a home.

Daddy, I miss you so much.

So much just starting to think of it hurts.

So much that I just want this pain to go away.

So much it leaves me empty.

I feel lonely, maybe because I know people really do die.

People you never expect to,

no matter what the circumstances.

Please, someone out there.

Find Me.

[32] I Think I Can Almost See Me

My step mother is visiting.

Every time she visits,

I can feel her sizing me up

noting every inch lost

noting every new bone visible.

It makes me feel terrible.

And any time I go to the bathroom,

she makes some statement

or asks some question

to be sure that that's all I'm doing.

I don't feel like asking for help anymore.

I feel like a nuisance

that even she pushes aside

because it's my own selfish

minuscule problem.

I've been fucking up a lot lately.

Thought I had the hang of this.

Got cocky.

Forgot how easy it is

to lose control.

I've purged the last 3/4 days in a row.

I think it's somehow connected

with the fact that I haven't gone to the gym either.

I've been so fucking busy

that I end up so fucking tired.

I feel like I'm wasting money.

Makes me think I'm like my mother.

Hell no...

Karen, my step mother,

wants to buy me a new bed,

wants to buy me new shoes,

wants to send me to college,

and she can!

Know why?

Because she isn't s stupid idiot

like my mother.

Because she didn't give her life

to some guy.

Because she's a smart, independent woman.

I'll be like that.

I'm going to be a groomer,

I'm going to own my own business.

It's going to be awesome.

And I'll be like Bobbie.

Totally chill,

totally happy with life

and an amazing person.

Haha, imagination is fun.

Lord, I need new friends.

Any advice on broadening your horizons?

I'm fucking clueless.

Oh, and I'm so getting into art again.

It's like... the only way to quiet everything.

My brain, my heart, my everything.

Quiet.

I love it.

And that was just finger painting

for lack of better utensils.

Imagine what really painting

and creating will be like.