[32] I Think I Can Almost See Me

My step mother is visiting.

Every time she visits,

I can feel her sizing me up

noting every inch lost

noting every new bone visible.

It makes me feel terrible.

And any time I go to the bathroom,

she makes some statement

or asks some question

to be sure that that's all I'm doing.

I don't feel like asking for help anymore.

I feel like a nuisance

that even she pushes aside

because it's my own selfish

minuscule problem.

I've been fucking up a lot lately.

Thought I had the hang of this.

Got cocky.

Forgot how easy it is

to lose control.

I've purged the last 3/4 days in a row.

I think it's somehow connected

with the fact that I haven't gone to the gym either.

I've been so fucking busy

that I end up so fucking tired.

I feel like I'm wasting money.

Makes me think I'm like my mother.

Hell no...

Karen, my step mother,

wants to buy me a new bed,

wants to buy me new shoes,

wants to send me to college,

and she can!

Know why?

Because she isn't s stupid idiot

like my mother.

Because she didn't give her life

to some guy.

Because she's a smart, independent woman.

I'll be like that.

I'm going to be a groomer,

I'm going to own my own business.

It's going to be awesome.

And I'll be like Bobbie.

Totally chill,

totally happy with life

and an amazing person.

Haha, imagination is fun.

Lord, I need new friends.

Any advice on broadening your horizons?

I'm fucking clueless.

Oh, and I'm so getting into art again.

It's like... the only way to quiet everything.

My brain, my heart, my everything.

Quiet.

I love it.

And that was just finger painting

for lack of better utensils.

Imagine what really painting

and creating will be like.

[29] Not Ready/Girls!Girls!Girls!

I don't want to get sick,

but I can't eat more than 

barely 500 calories a day

without having a purge freak out.

And it hurts my throat so much now.

I'm having my norm

of egg whites [64]

spinach [10]

but I can't finish my coffee [30].

I haven't even finished my eggs yet.

Total = 104

I got my naval pierced 2 days ago!

It's so cute,

and I'm having my tattoo drawn up for me.

Excited, I think it's going to be

a chest piece!

I think I need to see a therapist though,

dear god I'm SICK of feeling miserable.

I may talk to my step mother

about seeing my old therapist again.

I just can't get over this Wally shit.

I'm driving Kelsie crazy with me...

I get so jealous of them hanging out.

I'm being so insecure it's stupid.

I need to live MY life

and not fucking worry about other people.

Not worry about him.

Oh,

and there's this girl.

I think I want to be with a girl again.

Her name's Evie,

how fucking CUTE!

Anyway, I met her at my friend's

"Toy Party" haha.
She was really nice,

cute,

small,

tattoos,

and just gorgeous.

She works with my friend, Brittnay,

who's party we met at

and I asked Brittnay if Evie

was bi last night.

I made Britt SWEAR

never to tell anyone I asked,

but you know

who the fuck cares.

Everyone knows I'm bi,

and if she doesn't like me/girls

it's obviously not happening.

But still,

it makes we want to burst out

into a fit of nervous laughter.

Flirting and crushes are so much fun!

Anyway,

I guess that's what I've got for now,

we'll see how today goes.

And hi again everyone!

Hope you're all doing well!

:]