So I've been purging again. I was doing really well not to, but it's gotten stressful, and the food I have access to and am surrounded by is not good at all.
Why I'm stressed: I'm currently sleeping on my mother couch because I had to have my transmission rebuilt. I'll be paying that off for the next two months, and couldn't afford to pay it off and continue living on my own. I wasn't ready for it anyway and I need a better income. School is insanity, and I've been procrastinating [doing so by writing this to be honest], work is beyond stressful between working extra hours for groom training and not making enough money on the days that I do work.
Anyway... I've purged once a day for the past week, it might be two... I try not to keep track. I've started counting calories again too, like crazy. My friend Lauren thinks I'm insane because I can literally list the calories for anything I've eaten in a day. I started trying to ignore calories, but I've been reading more and more or the nutritional info thingies lately. Did you know 2 freakin Newton's have 100 calories in them??? What kind of insanity is that!
Today I've eaten 4 egg whites [64], two slices of toast [90]with cream cheese [100]. Then three raviolis [unkown] and a small pancake [80]. Total thus far = [400+] Not as bad as I'd thought/
I have gained weight since I've been on here too, I'm around 112-114. It's muscle though, I've toned up everywhere, got very healthy and into the gym, and I look good. I don't want to fool around with Ana or Mia again, and aside from the stress I'm happy. So idk what's up with me but I'm hoping it'll break soon. Of all the things I can control about myself, this one defeats me every time and I hate it. I just want it to stop, and I want it to be over. I almost miss this as part of my identity, but not enough to die for. And I've gotten sick, my throat hurts, and purging leaves my stomach screwed up for the rest of the day I purged on and the next. It's a fucking domino effect.
