[36] I'll Be Damned

     I made that other blog

to get away from the darkness of this one.

Yea, I haven't even posted on here in forever

and I'm still purging.  I purge over absolutely nothing.

I don't know if I'm happy, miserable, depressed, content.

It's up and down all the time.

But I can control this.

I firmly believe that I don't have a mental problem,

I just have my limits, and they are being tested

and that is what is making me so crazed.

But I don't know my limits.

I don't know what's wrong.

Cut again, and I missed it.

Cutting.  Puking. Crying.

I am glorious.

I need love.  Love for myself.

Love for another.

There is no love in this house,

and it is a house 

because I'll be damned 

if I ever call it a home.

Daddy, I miss you so much.

So much just starting to think of it hurts.

So much that I just want this pain to go away.

So much it leaves me empty.

I feel lonely, maybe because I know people really do die.

People you never expect to,

no matter what the circumstances.

Please, someone out there.

Find Me.

[35] Slipping Up

     So I've been purging again.  I was doing really well not to, but it's gotten stressful, and the food I have access to and am surrounded by is not good at all.

     

     Why I'm stressed: I'm currently sleeping on my mother couch because I had to have my transmission rebuilt.  I'll be paying that off for the next two months, and couldn't afford to pay it off and continue living on my own.  I wasn't ready for it anyway and I need a better income.  School is insanity, and I've been procrastinating [doing so by writing this to be honest], work is beyond stressful between working extra hours for groom training and not making enough money on the days that I do work.              

     Anyway...  I've purged once a day for the past week, it might be two... I try not to keep track.  I've started counting calories again too, like crazy.  My friend Lauren thinks I'm insane because I can literally list the calories for anything I've eaten in a day.  I started trying to ignore calories, but I've been reading more and more or the nutritional info thingies lately.  Did you know 2 freakin Newton's have 100 calories in them???  What kind of insanity is that!  

     Today I've eaten 4 egg whites [64], two slices of toast [90]with cream cheese [100].  Then three raviolis [unkown] and a small pancake [80].  Total thus far = [400+]  Not as bad as I'd thought/

     I have gained weight since I've been on here too, I'm around 112-114.  It's muscle though, I've toned up everywhere, got very healthy and into the gym, and I look good.  I don't want to fool around with Ana or Mia again, and aside from the stress I'm happy.  So idk what's up with me but I'm hoping it'll break soon.  Of all the things I can control about myself, this one defeats me every time and I hate it.  I just want it to stop, and I want it to be over.  I almost miss this as part of my identity, but not enough to die for.  And I've gotten sick, my throat hurts, and purging leaves my stomach screwed up for the rest of the day I purged on and the next.  It's a fucking domino effect.

[33] Still Skinny!

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been AWOL,

I've been worried that even by posting here,

this was becoming a trigger of mine,

but seeing as I'm fucking purging still,

and a lot unfortunately,

that isn't exactly true.

I'm trying to figure out wtf I'm doing.

Here's the gist of recent activity in my life:

1. Started My SAT Prep Classes [good]

2. Filling Out Applications For My Community College [Yay!]

3. Decided To Get My Hair And Tattoo Done [Amazing!]

4. Met Johnathan, my new little hook up [unsure...]

5 Crashed My Fucking Car... [Life=Derailed]

So now, I'm doing my classes online,

I have no way to get to Johnathan or anywhere

which leads to SERIOUS cabin fever.

I didn't have personal property coverage,

so I'm paying for the car out of pocket...

I don't think I will EVER buy another toyota in my life.

Wanna know why?

Because while I'm replacing the 

ENTIRE FRONT OF MY FUCKING CAR

the Honda Oddessey I hit has a mere dent in it's trunk door.

Whatever, the title of this blog is because I'd thought I'd gained

sooooo much weight after I stopped posting.

Apparently not,

I somehow managed to LOSE weight. 

106.0 lbs

That's insane!

Smiles for me.

But jebus... 

Not having  car after having a car is like...

hell.

Independence ripped from my fingers.

[I mostly go out at night,

my bike is broken,

and buses don't run late enough.

I'm not being lazy]

Thanks skinnybusiness  & tearsnsorrow

for your comments and suggestions. :]

Hehe, I'm bAAAAaaaaaack!

[30] WOAH!

Yesterday was TERRIBLE!

Not in a depressing way.

I did purge after dinner,

but I ate candy at the movies with Joey,

and didn't purge.

He was watching me like a hawk,

but he doesn't know a bulimic's tricks.

"I have to pee," yea right.

But he asked me if I was going

to purge when I got home,

and I honestly said no.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach,

chocolate is a godawful thing to purge,

and I figured I'd just do a cleanse today.

I've got a huge bottle of water that I plan to refil

frequently and drain just as frequently

throughout the day.

I've gotta run.

going to get some groomer training this morning!

See you guys.

Oh, and no weigh in this morning.

Too afraid of freaking out

and ruining my day.

I'll have one tomorrow.

Calories thus far [104]

[28] Mad Fail

So, yesterday I was doing pretty well

trying to be normal,

and just eat

and do it by myself.

I'm not some pathetic idiot

who needs to cling to everyone else

for help.

It was ok...

Nearly had a breakdown at lunch

because I went to subway to get a salad

and the guy asked if I wanted Olive Oil

and for some dumb reason I said,

"Sure, just a little."

Lemme tell you...

This kid put on a shit load.

And Olive Oil is like,

sky rocketing

when it comes to calories and fat.

I almost wanted to cry 

walking back to my car.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

My way around it:

Chew and Spit.

Only I swallowed the food,

just spit out the dressing.

It made me calm down

so I ate without freaking.

But then at night,

I just lost it...

I binged,

which you all know

lead to a purge.

I wanted to eat something

to get something back into me.

But I couldn't...

I made coffee,

which I'm guessing was over [100]

but I know that's not enough

but I just couldn't bring myself to eat something 

that late at night...

So, after 12 I'm going to get dressed,

go to the highschool

paint

and go out with Cole most likely to do something

anything

and we'll eat.

And I'll pretend like I'm ok.

Because the world doesn't need to know

about the Drama Queen.

I'm going to have fun,

I'm going to be me.

I've got to end this.

Just typing blogs is starting to tire me.

My arms hurt after the slightest

amounts of lifting at work or anything,

my legs are tired,

my chest is pure bone,

like between my boobs

I see bones...

I've never seen those before.

My ribs are showing more and more

and my spine...

It's like the Rockey Mt.s relocated

onto my back.
And most of all,

I don't want any damage

that can't be fixed.

And I don't want Ana

to eat my brain!

So here goes Day 2.

Wish me luck.  Again.

[27] Normal?

I can't remember

the last time I had 

a normal eating pattern.

But I want to try now...

I think.

The road started getting blurry last night

when I was driving and Kelsie was in the car.

I could have killed my best friend...

I want to cry just thinking about it.

We were going to get my naval pierced

when I started losing focus on the road.

She told me I had to eat

or she'd shove food down my throat.

She works at a hospital.

She started talking tubes 

and god knows what else.

I ate one and a third or a crepe...

I felt like a fucking rock after that...

I felt like my stomach weighted a ton

and I was dragging a ball and chain.

And I ate it at night...

At night!

I hated it...

I felt like I was sleeping 

after swallowing pebbles

that kept bouncing around in my stomach

to keep me up and remind me 

of what I'd be giving up.

But I don't want to hurt anyone,

I don't want to die

and I'm tired of living like this...

I'm nearly bones

and that wasn't what I wanted

to begin with.

Locked away and hating life.

This isn't the only control.

I guess I'll be changing my blog again...

Regaining Control - Leaving ED Behind.

 

So this morning

I skipped weighing myself on the scale.

I don't think I'll be able to do that

and not cry for a while...

I'm trying not to count,

but it's damn hard 

when I've nearly got everything memorized...

4 Egg Whites [64]

Spinach [5]

One Slice of Toast [50]

1/2 serving PB [95]

Coffee [50]

Total [264]

Oh lord...

Here goes nothing...

And to my ana readers/friends,

I feel like I'm letting you down,

and I'm sorry.

But I'm not living for you.

I gotta start living for me.

I love you guys,

and I really hope you all take care of yourselves.

Don't let Ana eat your brain...

Once she gets through your fat and muscle,

she goes for your brain and eats it away.

Be careful.

Now all I've got to do

is stay in the middle 

of Ana and Mia...

Not too little,

not too much...

I am afraid

I want to cry.

But I need to be strong.

Wish me luck?

[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[23] So, My Best Friend...

Wally and I are finito,

but my best friend Kelsie

just confessed to me that 

she does in fact have a crush on him.

But no matter how much

I tried to tell her to just do what she wants

and leave me the fuck alone,

she kept insisting that it wasn't worth

losing me as her best friend,

and that she loves me.

She really is the one friend

that I love undoubtedly

because she has always been there for me

and she truly is an amazing person

who helps me get through anything.

So this was an odd predicament,

and we met up to talk.

I told her that I will trust her,

because I want to have her as my friend always.

But if she EVER did anything,

she'd better tell me

and that she and he would both be dead to me

for good.
And I mean...
We were looking to be roomates
together too...  
She can't fuck that up.

So she's talking to Wally,

because it's as if nothing happened.

She's still my best friend,

and she loves me

and wants to help me be happy.

And she knows the whole Wally thing

is making me miserable

so she's talking to Wally to tell him

that I do want to be friends,

but I can't right now while

I'm still not over him.

So he needs to leave me alone 

so I can get over him.

I ate my eggs this morning [64]

spinach [10], onions [10].

I had coffee too though [50].

So that's 134.

I screwed up,

threw up,

but I'm sure I got at least 

200 calories left afterward.

Kelsie's going to call me 

after they're done eating/talking.

It's good, and  do need this,

but geez today was wretched...

Oh, and I pretty much filled her in

on what's been going on with me.

The restricting, 

and I've been cutting again.

I never ike admitting that

but I told her why I did it to.

Punishment.

Last night, 

I just couldn't stop fucking

thinking about Wally.

So every time I thought of him,

I'd cut.  And cut.

It helped, but took a while,

if you know what I'm getting at.

On top of that, 

my blood pressure 

was so freaking low

I didn't even bleed more 

than enough to fill the cut 

and dry/scab over immediately.

Crazy...

I think I want to go to sleep.

This day has just bee exhausting...

[22] First Time In Ten Years

I weight 109.6!

I can't believe I weight less 

than I have in ten years.

A few things I haven't

mentioned abut myself.

I've had an ED since I was 10.

Started as a

Compulsive Over Eater

then, at thirteen

I saw a documentary

about girls with eating disorders

in rehab.

All I saw were pretty people

with an amazing secret

to stay pretty.

So I started binging and purging.

I went from 150

to 120 in a matter of no time.

I've been struggling

to lose weight,

but Mia is not the way.

But dear lord the hold she 

had/has on me...

It was unbreakable.

Now, I've lost the weight I've wanted, 

and I've officially gone

an entire day without

binging or purging.

I'm happy,

but I know it's not over yet.

Getting past the grinding

thoughts of "Just one bite"

and then "That was waaaaay to much.

Get rid of it."

It's terrible.

But I'm not giving up this time.

I'm so done with Mia.

I'll post my calorie count later,

got to get ready for work.

Thanks for reading! <3

[19] Like A Tree

[Old pic, but I do love it.]
[My arms look big though]

I feel so hollow right now,

it's amazing.

I split this

vegan lunch thing with my friend.

I think she may be as crazy about

restricting as I am.

I B/Ped very slightly when I got home,

twice,

but nothing as drastic as my usual.

Baby steps,

right?

Some day,

I'm going to stop this B/P shit.

Some day I'm going to eat so little,

and be normal,

not constantly thinking about food.

Better than normal.

Those are my goals.

Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention,
I burned 600 calories
the other day.
I was so proud!
I kept pushing and pushing myself
to burn more,
go longer.
I stayed on until my friends wanted to leave.
I want to start trying to burn that much
in the morning and at night.
I be be in the negative if I did that,
which would be so awesome.

P.S. - Shout out to skinnybusiness

for all the awesome comments, support, and advice.
Thank you. :]

[15] Slacking

Ok...  I hate when I don't post

daily because it feels like info builds up...

Just to close up my last post, 

I did end up B/Ping.

W/e, made sure I got it all out,

so at least it wasn't like

a wasted effort or some shit.

I screwed up two nights ago, too,

on a pretty good day

by taking my friend to dunkin donuts

and having a large coffee [150]

and a multigrain bagel [380]

with light veggie cream cheese [120].

I wish I would have known that calorie count...

God, one coffee should be a meal!

A bagel should be 4.

Ugh...

Anyway, I kept it down,

which is good because I seriously have to stop B/Ping.

I mean, I did it at work again,

but I tried purging a donut that I ate a work

with nothing but that donut and water in me...

Didn't work out,

and I kinda choked a bit.

So I drank some coffee,

figuring the warmth would help break up the donut 

clump in my stomach.

It did, but I'm sure I didn't get it all out.

Ugh, I have to get back on track here.

Posting on here helps me keep track

of my calories and everything.

Thus far,

Coffee [40]

4 egg whites [64] with

onion [10] 

and broccoli [25].

Breakfast total = 139

No cream cheese,

no 100%WW English Muffin.

I'm thinking just eggs jam-packed 

with veggies from now on.

Let's see how today goes then.

And I think I'm going to change 

my blog name,

seeing as Ana and I can't seem to be close

with Mia popping up every five fucking seconds.

And god damn it I still need a scale!

I think I'm gaining weight in muscle

from going to the gym...

idk whether I'm happy with that or not yet...

[12] MOVE!

I hate my mother.

You all say I can't

because she's my mother.

You're right.

A part of me loves her as my mother,

but that's because a part of me is my mother.

But I hate her as a person.

I hate everything about her.

I hate what she's put me through,

the choices she's made,

everything.

I got molested when I was 11,

she didn't do a damn thing about it.

Why?

Because I, 

the 11 year old, 

scared to death molestee

asked her not to.

Because she didn't want to start trouble

with a family friend.

Yea, an old bastard with a wife

and a son who was like my brother.

The guy was like a fucking father figure to me.

And nothing was ever done about.

Haunted me for years.

Ate away at every part of me 

until there was only fear and hate left.

And when she found out I was bulimic.

She told me to cut the crap,

that I was wasting her money.

That I disgusted her.

[Heard that on more than one occasion.]

When she saw my cuts,

"I don't want to see that,"

in her ever so popular 

tone of disgust.

Translation : Cover them up,

I'm not going to help you.

And a million other things I hate about her.

Now, after a year of the same situation

going on between me an Wally,

she keeps trying to shove her nose into everything.

She doesn't give a fuck if I get hurt,

she wants to have control over me

and tell me he can't spend the night anymore.

No worries guys,

I'm not getting hurt.

We're company for one another

because that's all we've ever known.

It may hurt in the end,

but I'll live.

So I need to find that number,

check out those apartments,

and drag Kelsie's ass there

so we can rent it

and I can get the fuck out of here,

because my god,

the thoughts I have of fighting my mother

fist-to-face

are almost so delightful

that I can taste them.

But again, no worries,

I won't.

She's not worth going to prison over.

Rant Over

I purged four times yesterday.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

Obviously that doesn't work.

I'm still not going over 600 calories a day,

so at least that is good.

But  swear I can feel my metabolism STOP

when I purge.

But I've been purging everything up,

waiting until I can't taste whatever it was I ate.

And I still need a new scale...

I'm losing my mind not knowing what I weigh!

Maybe that's where I lost my motivation...

I lost my numbers...

I wasn't even counting yesterday when I binged!

Counting is the strongest defense I have 

to control myself.

I need to concentrate on that more.

I cannot wait to move out!

[11] Well, So Much For That...

So, I failed miserably today...

I binged at work

on three pieces of pizza.

Threw it all right back up.

I hate puking at work.

Now I'm binging at home.

I don't know why...

I don't want to give up either.

I feel like such a fucking loser.

Can't even not eat right.

*     *     *

 

Purge Complete.

All 1000+ calories gone.

 

Fuck...

I feel better because I got it all out,

but I feel like shit for ONCE AGAIN

letting food get into my head

and inside of my stomach.

 

Ugh...

[10] I Suck

That's just all there is to it.
Last week, I did so amazing
I was dropping a pound a day.

Last week, all food looked like 
FAT FAT FAT FAT.

This week, food and FAT
are working their hardest
to get back at me for my success.
Fuck 'em.
I'm going to try going back
to what I was doing then.

Maybe this will work,
maybe it won't.
Either way, it's worth a shot.

And I'm not posting any weights
until I get my own goddamn scale.
I'm sick of the one here
telling me I'm thin
then the ones everywhere else
telling me the truth.
I'm a fucking cow.

I made it to the gym last night though.
I was so fucking happy that I finally went again.
Missed 2 days.
Elliptical = 300 burned
I could have done so much better,
but I kept getting this fucking pain
in my front-left side above my hip.
Then I did 3 sets on the abs/obliques machine.
20 front, 12 each side
Then I did the hamstrings, 3 sets
20, 12, 20
Then step ups, but I was almost dizzy.
Only one set of 20 on each leg :/
Oh, and 40 squats, 20 lunges
throughout the day at work.

I had one of those stupid smoothies though,
but this time I got the 'Fat Fighter.'
80 calories, with some shit that just
eats up fat, burns it faster.

New light dawned on me though.
Another reason why I fail
is because sometimes I'm happy
that I'm making progress,
when people say,
"You're so skinny!"
It's like... 'Then, maybe just one bite...' and a billion more!

Then we're back to square one,
me back to puking in the toilet
cleaning myself out
while also letting the acids
burn me from the inside out.

I don't want that anymore.
So, I'm going to do what always helps me.
Re-read my book on anorexia,
trying to convince me that it's wrong,
but only making it feel more right.
Then maybe watch some videos.

Quick history lesson on me,
I was fat as a kid.
Go fucking figure.
150lbs at 5 ft.
'Compulsive Overeater.'
God I remember that shit...
I don't know how on earth
I used to keep it all down.
That was from 11-13.
Then at 13, I watched a documentary
on HBO, by chance.
I was intrigued by these
beautiful bones girls,
and I wanted to be one.
So this documentary,
showing me their struggles,
their dissipation
made me try purging for the first time.
And I LOVED IT!

I mean, I could eat anything
and get away with it!
Now, I hate it...
Now I struggle with it.
Now I fight it off with all that I've got
and it isn't enough...
Mia is relentless,
and Ana can't even save me.

She will though.
I will.
And I will lose even more weight,
because Mia never took away
this huge ass,
the large gut,
the flabby arms,
the gelatinous thighs!
Mia left those there
as a constant reminder
that I am a failure.

Not anymore.
Ana will take all that away,
and I will be beautiful.

[7] MY 'Just For Today's'

Ok, back on track.
Last night I partied.
I had 2 half shots.
One was Smirnoff [28]
the Malibu [34.5].
Not even worth it.
But we were out of juice.
I shouldn't even drink
for way too many reasons.
But the biggest one now,
the one that will keep me straightest
is counting.

Then we smoked some pot.
As if I could have done anything fucking more retarded.
We went to Denny's
and I'm estimating around 700
consumed in one sitting.

Fucking DISGUSTING.

I puked it all right back up.
Even better,
a woman came in after,
and the toilet wasn't flushing.
Gross.

I ran out while she was in the stall
so she couldn't see me.
Then I rushed everyone
saying we needed to get back to the party
even though me and Wally were coming back to my house.

I am restricting full on today.
I slept through breakfast
and I am drinking coffee now.
I want to get to drinking black coffee.
I'm working on it.
I put in one tsp of sugar [15]
and one tsp of non-dairy creamer [10].

I gained a pound back.
I weight 111.2.
Disgusting.

Haha screw you OA.
Here's my 'Just For Today's.'

Just for today,
I will stay strong today.
I will not eat a damn thing.
I will go to the gym
I will use the elliptical

until I can't feel my legs.
Until I forget about all the things
I hate about myself.

See, you weren't useless.
I learned something.

[3] Fail

Fucked up last night.
Horribly.
I'm disgusted.

Hanging out with some friends
they drank beer,
I drank water.
They started cooking,
and I was fine,
then suddenly starving!

I ate 1 scooped whole wheat bagel [est. 100]
Full Fat Cream Cheese [200]
Thick Slice Of Steak Tomato [8]

The A Spinach Wrap [est. 100]
Full Fat Shredded Cheddar [50]
Lettuce [4]
Tomato [6]
Banana Peppers [12]

And Mixed Nuts [est 200]

So for the entire FUCKED night,
I totaled at 680 Calories.

More than I ate
that
entire
day.

Then I purged it all back up,
leaving probably around 100 calories
since I'm sure all the food never comes back up.

Then today sucked too.
Forgot to take my vitamins
which always makes me
even more uncontrollable.
I ordered breakfast with a friend.
An omelet,
3 egg whites [48]
Feta Cheese [198]
Tomatoes [15]
Onions [21]
Whole Wheat Toast [90]
Oatmeal [like 300 because I'm a cow]

Total = 672

This sent me over the edge,
because I lost control
and kept wanting to eat more
of the damn omelet
because it was there.
If it wasn't there,
there would have been no temptation.
Stupid omelet.
Stupid/fat/disgusting/cow/pig me.
I purged.
Maybe half of it.
So that's back down to
336.
But I don't want to purge anymore.
Has to stop.

So now I just ate 4 egg whites [64]
because I'm going to the gym later.
If I stay at that,
I'll have only consumed 400 calories today.
Consume. Disgusting.

I can burn that off at the gym.
Maybe I'll go earlier to get in some cardio
before Kelsie gets there.
We're working on our upper body today
since we worked our lower yesterday.
I did 20 crunches today.
That's nothing.
I should do more.

[1] Firstie

I haven't got anything much to write about now,
except I can't sleep.
WARNING!
Unstable Girl, Beware!

I had 4 egg whites [64] for breakfast,
didn't even bother with the half of a
scooped whole wheat English muffin [50]
or the slight smear of light cream cheese [20].
Lunch was half a veggie delight sub,
no cheese [230],
snack plain oatmeal [100]
dinner, other half of sub [230].
Might have tossed that up during a random
and seriously unexpected/unwanted binge&purge...
I really want to stop that.
No Boerhaave's syndrome for me.
Hell no.
Total = Approx. 624 calories
Not bad.
Barely did ANY exercise today though.
60 squats, as opposed to my normal 100+ throughout the day.
No lunges. No crunches.
I think I'm looking better though.
Still, no swim suit material here.


I poke holes in me,
I wonder if the sun will shine through.
Maybe shine between the angry red lines,
or around the little polka-dots.


I was bad,
then I was better.
I'm not worse now,
but I'm not better anymore either.


I wonder what I will be like in the future,
because I know I won't be like this forever.
I know my thoughts can't keep me awake forever.
Anxiety... What a bitch.