[36] I'll Be Damned

     I made that other blog

to get away from the darkness of this one.

Yea, I haven't even posted on here in forever

and I'm still purging.  I purge over absolutely nothing.

I don't know if I'm happy, miserable, depressed, content.

It's up and down all the time.

But I can control this.

I firmly believe that I don't have a mental problem,

I just have my limits, and they are being tested

and that is what is making me so crazed.

But I don't know my limits.

I don't know what's wrong.

Cut again, and I missed it.

Cutting.  Puking. Crying.

I am glorious.

I need love.  Love for myself.

Love for another.

There is no love in this house,

and it is a house 

because I'll be damned 

if I ever call it a home.

Daddy, I miss you so much.

So much just starting to think of it hurts.

So much that I just want this pain to go away.

So much it leaves me empty.

I feel lonely, maybe because I know people really do die.

People you never expect to,

no matter what the circumstances.

Please, someone out there.

Find Me.

[35] Slipping Up

     So I've been purging again.  I was doing really well not to, but it's gotten stressful, and the food I have access to and am surrounded by is not good at all.

     

     Why I'm stressed: I'm currently sleeping on my mother couch because I had to have my transmission rebuilt.  I'll be paying that off for the next two months, and couldn't afford to pay it off and continue living on my own.  I wasn't ready for it anyway and I need a better income.  School is insanity, and I've been procrastinating [doing so by writing this to be honest], work is beyond stressful between working extra hours for groom training and not making enough money on the days that I do work.              

     Anyway...  I've purged once a day for the past week, it might be two... I try not to keep track.  I've started counting calories again too, like crazy.  My friend Lauren thinks I'm insane because I can literally list the calories for anything I've eaten in a day.  I started trying to ignore calories, but I've been reading more and more or the nutritional info thingies lately.  Did you know 2 freakin Newton's have 100 calories in them???  What kind of insanity is that!  

     Today I've eaten 4 egg whites [64], two slices of toast [90]with cream cheese [100].  Then three raviolis [unkown] and a small pancake [80].  Total thus far = [400+]  Not as bad as I'd thought/

     I have gained weight since I've been on here too, I'm around 112-114.  It's muscle though, I've toned up everywhere, got very healthy and into the gym, and I look good.  I don't want to fool around with Ana or Mia again, and aside from the stress I'm happy.  So idk what's up with me but I'm hoping it'll break soon.  Of all the things I can control about myself, this one defeats me every time and I hate it.  I just want it to stop, and I want it to be over.  I almost miss this as part of my identity, but not enough to die for.  And I've gotten sick, my throat hurts, and purging leaves my stomach screwed up for the rest of the day I purged on and the next.  It's a fucking domino effect.

[28] Mad Fail

So, yesterday I was doing pretty well

trying to be normal,

and just eat

and do it by myself.

I'm not some pathetic idiot

who needs to cling to everyone else

for help.

It was ok...

Nearly had a breakdown at lunch

because I went to subway to get a salad

and the guy asked if I wanted Olive Oil

and for some dumb reason I said,

"Sure, just a little."

Lemme tell you...

This kid put on a shit load.

And Olive Oil is like,

sky rocketing

when it comes to calories and fat.

I almost wanted to cry 

walking back to my car.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

My way around it:

Chew and Spit.

Only I swallowed the food,

just spit out the dressing.

It made me calm down

so I ate without freaking.

But then at night,

I just lost it...

I binged,

which you all know

lead to a purge.

I wanted to eat something

to get something back into me.

But I couldn't...

I made coffee,

which I'm guessing was over [100]

but I know that's not enough

but I just couldn't bring myself to eat something 

that late at night...

So, after 12 I'm going to get dressed,

go to the highschool

paint

and go out with Cole most likely to do something

anything

and we'll eat.

And I'll pretend like I'm ok.

Because the world doesn't need to know

about the Drama Queen.

I'm going to have fun,

I'm going to be me.

I've got to end this.

Just typing blogs is starting to tire me.

My arms hurt after the slightest

amounts of lifting at work or anything,

my legs are tired,

my chest is pure bone,

like between my boobs

I see bones...

I've never seen those before.

My ribs are showing more and more

and my spine...

It's like the Rockey Mt.s relocated

onto my back.
And most of all,

I don't want any damage

that can't be fixed.

And I don't want Ana

to eat my brain!

So here goes Day 2.

Wish me luck.  Again.

[27] Normal?

I can't remember

the last time I had 

a normal eating pattern.

But I want to try now...

I think.

The road started getting blurry last night

when I was driving and Kelsie was in the car.

I could have killed my best friend...

I want to cry just thinking about it.

We were going to get my naval pierced

when I started losing focus on the road.

She told me I had to eat

or she'd shove food down my throat.

She works at a hospital.

She started talking tubes 

and god knows what else.

I ate one and a third or a crepe...

I felt like a fucking rock after that...

I felt like my stomach weighted a ton

and I was dragging a ball and chain.

And I ate it at night...

At night!

I hated it...

I felt like I was sleeping 

after swallowing pebbles

that kept bouncing around in my stomach

to keep me up and remind me 

of what I'd be giving up.

But I don't want to hurt anyone,

I don't want to die

and I'm tired of living like this...

I'm nearly bones

and that wasn't what I wanted

to begin with.

Locked away and hating life.

This isn't the only control.

I guess I'll be changing my blog again...

Regaining Control - Leaving ED Behind.

 

So this morning

I skipped weighing myself on the scale.

I don't think I'll be able to do that

and not cry for a while...

I'm trying not to count,

but it's damn hard 

when I've nearly got everything memorized...

4 Egg Whites [64]

Spinach [5]

One Slice of Toast [50]

1/2 serving PB [95]

Coffee [50]

Total [264]

Oh lord...

Here goes nothing...

And to my ana readers/friends,

I feel like I'm letting you down,

and I'm sorry.

But I'm not living for you.

I gotta start living for me.

I love you guys,

and I really hope you all take care of yourselves.

Don't let Ana eat your brain...

Once she gets through your fat and muscle,

she goes for your brain and eats it away.

Be careful.

Now all I've got to do

is stay in the middle 

of Ana and Mia...

Not too little,

not too much...

I am afraid

I want to cry.

But I need to be strong.

Wish me luck?

[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[18] Unlovable

He stayed because

he didn't want to see me cry.

He stayed because he cares about me.

But he doesn't love me.

He doesn't feel the same anymore.

He told me how he felt,

so I returned the favor :

"I feel like a worthless piece of shit."

"Why?"

"I'm nothing to no one.

No one loves me.

I don't even love me."

That's emo,

but it true.

And the 'whole' me

says I'm fucking pathetic.

The 'real' me

says to grow the fuck up.

No one in this world

means anything

to anyone

except

themselves.

But the 'Ana' me,

the girl trying to disappear

won't hear it.

Hearing that would derail everything.

Making sense would mean moving on.

Living.

I'm going to sit and rot for a while.

Why?

Why now?

Because with this one last straw,

my now skeletal back

has broken.

Because life has whittled me

down to this pathetic piece of shit.

And because despite me knowing all this,

despite me knowing that only you

can truly destroy yourself, 

or bring yourself down,

I just don't care anymore.

My life is going on mute 

for now.

And I don't know if I'll

ever want to hear the calamity again.

Oh, and these veins

will scream their sorrow tonight.

[10] I Suck

That's just all there is to it.
Last week, I did so amazing
I was dropping a pound a day.

Last week, all food looked like 
FAT FAT FAT FAT.

This week, food and FAT
are working their hardest
to get back at me for my success.
Fuck 'em.
I'm going to try going back
to what I was doing then.

Maybe this will work,
maybe it won't.
Either way, it's worth a shot.

And I'm not posting any weights
until I get my own goddamn scale.
I'm sick of the one here
telling me I'm thin
then the ones everywhere else
telling me the truth.
I'm a fucking cow.

I made it to the gym last night though.
I was so fucking happy that I finally went again.
Missed 2 days.
Elliptical = 300 burned
I could have done so much better,
but I kept getting this fucking pain
in my front-left side above my hip.
Then I did 3 sets on the abs/obliques machine.
20 front, 12 each side
Then I did the hamstrings, 3 sets
20, 12, 20
Then step ups, but I was almost dizzy.
Only one set of 20 on each leg :/
Oh, and 40 squats, 20 lunges
throughout the day at work.

I had one of those stupid smoothies though,
but this time I got the 'Fat Fighter.'
80 calories, with some shit that just
eats up fat, burns it faster.

New light dawned on me though.
Another reason why I fail
is because sometimes I'm happy
that I'm making progress,
when people say,
"You're so skinny!"
It's like... 'Then, maybe just one bite...' and a billion more!

Then we're back to square one,
me back to puking in the toilet
cleaning myself out
while also letting the acids
burn me from the inside out.

I don't want that anymore.
So, I'm going to do what always helps me.
Re-read my book on anorexia,
trying to convince me that it's wrong,
but only making it feel more right.
Then maybe watch some videos.

Quick history lesson on me,
I was fat as a kid.
Go fucking figure.
150lbs at 5 ft.
'Compulsive Overeater.'
God I remember that shit...
I don't know how on earth
I used to keep it all down.
That was from 11-13.
Then at 13, I watched a documentary
on HBO, by chance.
I was intrigued by these
beautiful bones girls,
and I wanted to be one.
So this documentary,
showing me their struggles,
their dissipation
made me try purging for the first time.
And I LOVED IT!

I mean, I could eat anything
and get away with it!
Now, I hate it...
Now I struggle with it.
Now I fight it off with all that I've got
and it isn't enough...
Mia is relentless,
and Ana can't even save me.

She will though.
I will.
And I will lose even more weight,
because Mia never took away
this huge ass,
the large gut,
the flabby arms,
the gelatinous thighs!
Mia left those there
as a constant reminder
that I am a failure.

Not anymore.
Ana will take all that away,
and I will be beautiful.