[39] Going Vegan! Starting My Slim Down!

So I've decided that I have really got to get on top of slimming my legs down.

Even my stomach needs to be flatter.

I'm going from vegetarian to vegan now,

so no more cheese or other gross animal products for me.

I've always wanted to take the step and go vegan,

I'll use this as some thinspo too :]

Everyone I've told,

aside from the ever-awesome Lauren

who is also going vegan and trying to lose weight,

says, "Oh my god, you're going to turn into a skeleton!" or

"Aren't you skinny enough?"

1. Vegans are not all scrawny skinny, 

I just happen to want to be that way.

And 2. Nope.

I've also taken pics of myself in undies

to track my weight loss and see if I can really see it.

I had a salad for dinner,

but to be quite honest, I'd prefer to get rid of it

and start the weight loss now.

I can eat tomorrow or whatever.

I ate very little today though,

which is always wonderful.

1/2 of a sprout grain bagels [bagel = 40, vcc = 45],

1/2 of a Clif Bar (These are excellent btw) [125]

[Both split with Lauren, I love working with this girl!]

and the black bean, corn, etc salad that I'm about to dispose of. [100 to be safe]

Estimated Total = 320

That's better than I used to do,

but this is only the first day,

and the night is young!

Meh...

Oh wait... I had lunch...

About 300 Extra then...

Damn it...

Terrible day then...

620 calories.

Booooooooo.

I used to be at 400 or less a day before.

Damn it.

Whatever, starting over is rough,

I'll get back into it.

 

I really want to start biking to work now, too.

It'd be great execise, I think it's about 2 miles to work.

That'd be great, 4 miles a day.

Maybe coming home 

I'd take some long ways to get more time in :]

Good good.

Here's me btw.

I like this picture, stretched my body,

only reason it looks good.

You should see when I suck in my stomach.  Ha!

[35] Slipping Up

     So I've been purging again.  I was doing really well not to, but it's gotten stressful, and the food I have access to and am surrounded by is not good at all.

     

     Why I'm stressed: I'm currently sleeping on my mother couch because I had to have my transmission rebuilt.  I'll be paying that off for the next two months, and couldn't afford to pay it off and continue living on my own.  I wasn't ready for it anyway and I need a better income.  School is insanity, and I've been procrastinating [doing so by writing this to be honest], work is beyond stressful between working extra hours for groom training and not making enough money on the days that I do work.              

     Anyway...  I've purged once a day for the past week, it might be two... I try not to keep track.  I've started counting calories again too, like crazy.  My friend Lauren thinks I'm insane because I can literally list the calories for anything I've eaten in a day.  I started trying to ignore calories, but I've been reading more and more or the nutritional info thingies lately.  Did you know 2 freakin Newton's have 100 calories in them???  What kind of insanity is that!  

     Today I've eaten 4 egg whites [64], two slices of toast [90]with cream cheese [100].  Then three raviolis [unkown] and a small pancake [80].  Total thus far = [400+]  Not as bad as I'd thought/

     I have gained weight since I've been on here too, I'm around 112-114.  It's muscle though, I've toned up everywhere, got very healthy and into the gym, and I look good.  I don't want to fool around with Ana or Mia again, and aside from the stress I'm happy.  So idk what's up with me but I'm hoping it'll break soon.  Of all the things I can control about myself, this one defeats me every time and I hate it.  I just want it to stop, and I want it to be over.  I almost miss this as part of my identity, but not enough to die for.  And I've gotten sick, my throat hurts, and purging leaves my stomach screwed up for the rest of the day I purged on and the next.  It's a fucking domino effect.

[30] WOAH!

Yesterday was TERRIBLE!

Not in a depressing way.

I did purge after dinner,

but I ate candy at the movies with Joey,

and didn't purge.

He was watching me like a hawk,

but he doesn't know a bulimic's tricks.

"I have to pee," yea right.

But he asked me if I was going

to purge when I got home,

and I honestly said no.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach,

chocolate is a godawful thing to purge,

and I figured I'd just do a cleanse today.

I've got a huge bottle of water that I plan to refil

frequently and drain just as frequently

throughout the day.

I've gotta run.

going to get some groomer training this morning!

See you guys.

Oh, and no weigh in this morning.

Too afraid of freaking out

and ruining my day.

I'll have one tomorrow.

Calories thus far [104]

[29] Not Ready/Girls!Girls!Girls!

I don't want to get sick,

but I can't eat more than 

barely 500 calories a day

without having a purge freak out.

And it hurts my throat so much now.

I'm having my norm

of egg whites [64]

spinach [10]

but I can't finish my coffee [30].

I haven't even finished my eggs yet.

Total = 104

I got my naval pierced 2 days ago!

It's so cute,

and I'm having my tattoo drawn up for me.

Excited, I think it's going to be

a chest piece!

I think I need to see a therapist though,

dear god I'm SICK of feeling miserable.

I may talk to my step mother

about seeing my old therapist again.

I just can't get over this Wally shit.

I'm driving Kelsie crazy with me...

I get so jealous of them hanging out.

I'm being so insecure it's stupid.

I need to live MY life

and not fucking worry about other people.

Not worry about him.

Oh,

and there's this girl.

I think I want to be with a girl again.

Her name's Evie,

how fucking CUTE!

Anyway, I met her at my friend's

"Toy Party" haha.
She was really nice,

cute,

small,

tattoos,

and just gorgeous.

She works with my friend, Brittnay,

who's party we met at

and I asked Brittnay if Evie

was bi last night.

I made Britt SWEAR

never to tell anyone I asked,

but you know

who the fuck cares.

Everyone knows I'm bi,

and if she doesn't like me/girls

it's obviously not happening.

But still,

it makes we want to burst out

into a fit of nervous laughter.

Flirting and crushes are so much fun!

Anyway,

I guess that's what I've got for now,

we'll see how today goes.

And hi again everyone!

Hope you're all doing well!

:]

[28] Mad Fail

So, yesterday I was doing pretty well

trying to be normal,

and just eat

and do it by myself.

I'm not some pathetic idiot

who needs to cling to everyone else

for help.

It was ok...

Nearly had a breakdown at lunch

because I went to subway to get a salad

and the guy asked if I wanted Olive Oil

and for some dumb reason I said,

"Sure, just a little."

Lemme tell you...

This kid put on a shit load.

And Olive Oil is like,

sky rocketing

when it comes to calories and fat.

I almost wanted to cry 

walking back to my car.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

My way around it:

Chew and Spit.

Only I swallowed the food,

just spit out the dressing.

It made me calm down

so I ate without freaking.

But then at night,

I just lost it...

I binged,

which you all know

lead to a purge.

I wanted to eat something

to get something back into me.

But I couldn't...

I made coffee,

which I'm guessing was over [100]

but I know that's not enough

but I just couldn't bring myself to eat something 

that late at night...

So, after 12 I'm going to get dressed,

go to the highschool

paint

and go out with Cole most likely to do something

anything

and we'll eat.

And I'll pretend like I'm ok.

Because the world doesn't need to know

about the Drama Queen.

I'm going to have fun,

I'm going to be me.

I've got to end this.

Just typing blogs is starting to tire me.

My arms hurt after the slightest

amounts of lifting at work or anything,

my legs are tired,

my chest is pure bone,

like between my boobs

I see bones...

I've never seen those before.

My ribs are showing more and more

and my spine...

It's like the Rockey Mt.s relocated

onto my back.
And most of all,

I don't want any damage

that can't be fixed.

And I don't want Ana

to eat my brain!

So here goes Day 2.

Wish me luck.  Again.

[27] Normal?

I can't remember

the last time I had 

a normal eating pattern.

But I want to try now...

I think.

The road started getting blurry last night

when I was driving and Kelsie was in the car.

I could have killed my best friend...

I want to cry just thinking about it.

We were going to get my naval pierced

when I started losing focus on the road.

She told me I had to eat

or she'd shove food down my throat.

She works at a hospital.

She started talking tubes 

and god knows what else.

I ate one and a third or a crepe...

I felt like a fucking rock after that...

I felt like my stomach weighted a ton

and I was dragging a ball and chain.

And I ate it at night...

At night!

I hated it...

I felt like I was sleeping 

after swallowing pebbles

that kept bouncing around in my stomach

to keep me up and remind me 

of what I'd be giving up.

But I don't want to hurt anyone,

I don't want to die

and I'm tired of living like this...

I'm nearly bones

and that wasn't what I wanted

to begin with.

Locked away and hating life.

This isn't the only control.

I guess I'll be changing my blog again...

Regaining Control - Leaving ED Behind.

 

So this morning

I skipped weighing myself on the scale.

I don't think I'll be able to do that

and not cry for a while...

I'm trying not to count,

but it's damn hard 

when I've nearly got everything memorized...

4 Egg Whites [64]

Spinach [5]

One Slice of Toast [50]

1/2 serving PB [95]

Coffee [50]

Total [264]

Oh lord...

Here goes nothing...

And to my ana readers/friends,

I feel like I'm letting you down,

and I'm sorry.

But I'm not living for you.

I gotta start living for me.

I love you guys,

and I really hope you all take care of yourselves.

Don't let Ana eat your brain...

Once she gets through your fat and muscle,

she goes for your brain and eats it away.

Be careful.

Now all I've got to do

is stay in the middle 

of Ana and Mia...

Not too little,

not too much...

I am afraid

I want to cry.

But I need to be strong.

Wish me luck?

[25] Starving

I am fucking starving.

I am upset.

I am depressed.

All I want to do is

shovel food down my throat

and puke it all right back up...

Before, doing that 

would have been like nothing.

But now I just can't...

Everything looks like numbers to me,

not food.

I guess this is what I wanted though.

And I shouldn't complain

when I can do what other girls

only wish they could.

Another dreadful night...

I should try to sleep,

I'm tired as all hell...

And watching Moulin Rouge

Is probably a really stupid

idea right now.

I just want this shit 

with Wally to be over...

I want to see him so much.

But that's not right.

We're over...

I need to get used to that

and not let myself cling anymore...

It's not fair to either of us.

It's not fair to me.

I've got to stop doing this shit

to myself.

And thank you 

skinny business 

&

tearsnsorrow

for your comments & support.

Hope you guys, and everyone who reads this

are doing well.

Life's difficult,

but it's all one big expirience

to learn from after another.

Take it in stride.

Hopefully, I can follow 

my own advice as well.

Good night everyone.

[24] So Good, I'm Too Good

I've gotten to the point 

where even if I'm hungry

I can't even bring myself to eat.

Lost another 3/5 of a pound.

I'm at 109,

but that was weighed before 

I even went to the bathroom.

I ate next to nothing yesterday.

This morning,

I went to Kelsie's before

we were going to the gym.

Her dad made us breakfast,

only he made regular eggs...

not egg whites...

THREE OF THEM.

I couldn't say anything...

I could only finish two through [144],

and thank god Kelsie didn't press...

She knows how I am.

For the rest of the day, 

all I had was coffee [85]

and I just wasn't hungry...

Even made myself a salad

and brought a boca burger 

to add to it,

and I just wasn't hungry at all.

And since I'm going to the gym

again now with my sister

I'm eating something at least.

A slice of whole wheat toast [50]

with red pepper [15], 

onion [5],

 tomatoes [5],

portabella [20],

and the provolone I couldn't pick off... [60].

Working on some coffee too,

but I think I'm only gonna

make it through half of it [40].

Total today = 424

That number pisses me off so much,

but I can't pass out and get into trouble.

Ugh...  

*     *     *


K, so gym.
As soon as I got their,
I was in a battlefield of conflict.
Whilst I was searching for parking,
I saw Wally's car.
He was there too...
Thank god the cardio area was upstairs,
but all I wanted to do was see him,
talk to him.  
Just a "Hello, I miss you so much
please come back to me..."


I didn't see him though,
and his car was gone when I left...
And then I fell apart in the car.
I miss him so much...
I made my sister cry too.
That's what always happens with us.
She hugged me and kissed my head,
comforted by my 13 year old sister...
Wow, makes me laugh.


I'm going to see Kelsie 
before she gets off of work.
She got some of the money
Wally still owed me.


And I told her.
And I'll talk to her.
And I'll probably cry again.
Probably feel like my heart 
is going to explode from within my chest.
Choke.  Forget how to breathe.
It'll hurt, but I'll make it.
I miss him so much...
But this is the way it is,
and I've got to get with it.
I won't be miserable forever...
I just won't.


On a lighter, 
more controlled note.
I burned 475.5 calories.
That puts me at -51.5 calories.
Decent, but I could do better.

[23] So, My Best Friend...

Wally and I are finito,

but my best friend Kelsie

just confessed to me that 

she does in fact have a crush on him.

But no matter how much

I tried to tell her to just do what she wants

and leave me the fuck alone,

she kept insisting that it wasn't worth

losing me as her best friend,

and that she loves me.

She really is the one friend

that I love undoubtedly

because she has always been there for me

and she truly is an amazing person

who helps me get through anything.

So this was an odd predicament,

and we met up to talk.

I told her that I will trust her,

because I want to have her as my friend always.

But if she EVER did anything,

she'd better tell me

and that she and he would both be dead to me

for good.
And I mean...
We were looking to be roomates
together too...  
She can't fuck that up.

So she's talking to Wally,

because it's as if nothing happened.

She's still my best friend,

and she loves me

and wants to help me be happy.

And she knows the whole Wally thing

is making me miserable

so she's talking to Wally to tell him

that I do want to be friends,

but I can't right now while

I'm still not over him.

So he needs to leave me alone 

so I can get over him.

I ate my eggs this morning [64]

spinach [10], onions [10].

I had coffee too though [50].

So that's 134.

I screwed up,

threw up,

but I'm sure I got at least 

200 calories left afterward.

Kelsie's going to call me 

after they're done eating/talking.

It's good, and  do need this,

but geez today was wretched...

Oh, and I pretty much filled her in

on what's been going on with me.

The restricting, 

and I've been cutting again.

I never ike admitting that

but I told her why I did it to.

Punishment.

Last night, 

I just couldn't stop fucking

thinking about Wally.

So every time I thought of him,

I'd cut.  And cut.

It helped, but took a while,

if you know what I'm getting at.

On top of that, 

my blood pressure 

was so freaking low

I didn't even bleed more 

than enough to fill the cut 

and dry/scab over immediately.

Crazy...

I think I want to go to sleep.

This day has just bee exhausting...

[22] First Time In Ten Years

I weight 109.6!

I can't believe I weight less 

than I have in ten years.

A few things I haven't

mentioned abut myself.

I've had an ED since I was 10.

Started as a

Compulsive Over Eater

then, at thirteen

I saw a documentary

about girls with eating disorders

in rehab.

All I saw were pretty people

with an amazing secret

to stay pretty.

So I started binging and purging.

I went from 150

to 120 in a matter of no time.

I've been struggling

to lose weight,

but Mia is not the way.

But dear lord the hold she 

had/has on me...

It was unbreakable.

Now, I've lost the weight I've wanted, 

and I've officially gone

an entire day without

binging or purging.

I'm happy,

but I know it's not over yet.

Getting past the grinding

thoughts of "Just one bite"

and then "That was waaaaay to much.

Get rid of it."

It's terrible.

But I'm not giving up this time.

I'm so done with Mia.

I'll post my calorie count later,

got to get ready for work.

Thanks for reading! <3

[21] Well Damn!

I did damn good today.

Breakfas was 4 egg whites [64]

some white onion [16]

8 cherry tomatoes [24]

Lunch was a portabella mushroom [15]

sandwich with red pepper [10]

a side salad [30].

And now I've eaten

a bite of my mother's pasta [15]

8 bite-sized pieces of pineapple [80]

and had some coffee

with non-dairy creamer [40]

and brown sugar [45]

because ants got into the regular sugar. 

Total = 339 calories.

And awesomely burned 

520.7 calories

at the gym.

That puts me at -181.7 calories today.

Awesome!

This is my best day yet.

I'm kinda hungry though,

but not that bad.

I'll drink water.

It's probably just my

late night B/P crave.

But I am not ruining this.

Not a chance!

Oh, and I went to the beach

with my little sister today.

I've decided to start rebuilding 

my relationship with her.

I actually wore shorts to the beach,

and took them off to swim in just

my bikini. 

It's a huge deal to me,

I'm usually so self-conscious, 

I feel fucking gross in shorts.

Can't wait until my period goes away...

I've been so bloated!

Thank god the cramps are gone.

Fucking terrible.

I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning!

[15] Slacking

Ok...  I hate when I don't post

daily because it feels like info builds up...

Just to close up my last post, 

I did end up B/Ping.

W/e, made sure I got it all out,

so at least it wasn't like

a wasted effort or some shit.

I screwed up two nights ago, too,

on a pretty good day

by taking my friend to dunkin donuts

and having a large coffee [150]

and a multigrain bagel [380]

with light veggie cream cheese [120].

I wish I would have known that calorie count...

God, one coffee should be a meal!

A bagel should be 4.

Ugh...

Anyway, I kept it down,

which is good because I seriously have to stop B/Ping.

I mean, I did it at work again,

but I tried purging a donut that I ate a work

with nothing but that donut and water in me...

Didn't work out,

and I kinda choked a bit.

So I drank some coffee,

figuring the warmth would help break up the donut 

clump in my stomach.

It did, but I'm sure I didn't get it all out.

Ugh, I have to get back on track here.

Posting on here helps me keep track

of my calories and everything.

Thus far,

Coffee [40]

4 egg whites [64] with

onion [10] 

and broccoli [25].

Breakfast total = 139

No cream cheese,

no 100%WW English Muffin.

I'm thinking just eggs jam-packed 

with veggies from now on.

Let's see how today goes then.

And I think I'm going to change 

my blog name,

seeing as Ana and I can't seem to be close

with Mia popping up every five fucking seconds.

And god damn it I still need a scale!

I think I'm gaining weight in muscle

from going to the gym...

idk whether I'm happy with that or not yet...

[14] 'This Is Your Station Under No Control'

So, I have good news to report.

I haven't B/Ped for almost 2 days now.

Here's the bad news.

Mom's ordering pizza,

and that's like a major binge food of mine...

I do want to eat some pizza,

but I just can't gorge.

I just have to take tiny ass bites,

and always,

ALWAYS

take a gulp of water 

between bites.

I generally can't even finish

anything when I eat like that.

I've been damn good today.

Breakfast was a four egg white [64]

omelet with mixed veggies [25]

that Kelsie's dad made for us

and a slice of oatmeal toast [70].

Should have skipped on the toast.

Lunch was a salad [25]

with walnuts [100]

and a piece of bread [75]

and some fruit [51]

Coffee [50] now.

So thus far,

Todays total =460

Not as good as I'd thought...

Ugh.  Frustration...

[13] Good Day?

*Yesterday's Thought*
I'm getting ahead of myself,

but I'm feeling pretty good today.

Pretty strong.

*Yesterday's* Intake :

 4 Egg Whites = 64

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 a serving of cream cheese = 17.5

15 Grapes = 30

10 blueberries = 7.5

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 serving of PB = 47.5

1 cracker light PB spread = 10
1/2 Veggie Delight Sub = 230

Total Intake = 476.5


*Today*
Wow, 200 calories less
than what I started with
when I first started blogging on here.
That's encouraging.
Oh, and I went to the gym.
My legs were shaking
and felt like rubber when we left.
I don't feel it yet, 
but I know I will soon.


Damn, I should have skipped on that sub,
but this WHOLE fiasco happened.
I was super hungry,
so I was bugging Wally to go to subway
he wanted to smoke,
but I told him I was getting light headed
so we went.
Then, the entire time, 
he kept complaining
and complaining.
And my appetite went 
right out the damn window!


Then, of course, he started getting pissed at me,
and pissed that I wasn't eating...
So I had to.
I didn't want to.
Took forever!
I just wanted to spit every piece out.


A lot of stress has been
removed from my life,
but seems to have been replaced by another...
I'm getting even harder on myself
because I feel so unwanted.
I can see how fat and squishy my butt is,
I can see the fat under my butt.
I can see the rolls on my tummy when I sit.
I hate it...  All of it...

Even my arms, 
which didn't bug me before
look like flabby grossness...


I wish there was a smoothie shop around here...
I think I'm going to stop by the
fitness shop and look for a good 
additive that burns fat
and start making my own smoothies with it.


Fuck...  I don't want to work today!
Next two days off though.
Apartment hunting!
That's what I need to do,
and go to the gym in the morning.
I need to start doing that.
Kicks up my metabolism for the rest of the day.
Ugh...  Anyone reading,
tell me to get my shit together,
give me some advice how to do so or something!
Thanks :]

[12] MOVE!

I hate my mother.

You all say I can't

because she's my mother.

You're right.

A part of me loves her as my mother,

but that's because a part of me is my mother.

But I hate her as a person.

I hate everything about her.

I hate what she's put me through,

the choices she's made,

everything.

I got molested when I was 11,

she didn't do a damn thing about it.

Why?

Because I, 

the 11 year old, 

scared to death molestee

asked her not to.

Because she didn't want to start trouble

with a family friend.

Yea, an old bastard with a wife

and a son who was like my brother.

The guy was like a fucking father figure to me.

And nothing was ever done about.

Haunted me for years.

Ate away at every part of me 

until there was only fear and hate left.

And when she found out I was bulimic.

She told me to cut the crap,

that I was wasting her money.

That I disgusted her.

[Heard that on more than one occasion.]

When she saw my cuts,

"I don't want to see that,"

in her ever so popular 

tone of disgust.

Translation : Cover them up,

I'm not going to help you.

And a million other things I hate about her.

Now, after a year of the same situation

going on between me an Wally,

she keeps trying to shove her nose into everything.

She doesn't give a fuck if I get hurt,

she wants to have control over me

and tell me he can't spend the night anymore.

No worries guys,

I'm not getting hurt.

We're company for one another

because that's all we've ever known.

It may hurt in the end,

but I'll live.

So I need to find that number,

check out those apartments,

and drag Kelsie's ass there

so we can rent it

and I can get the fuck out of here,

because my god,

the thoughts I have of fighting my mother

fist-to-face

are almost so delightful

that I can taste them.

But again, no worries,

I won't.

She's not worth going to prison over.

Rant Over

I purged four times yesterday.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

Obviously that doesn't work.

I'm still not going over 600 calories a day,

so at least that is good.

But  swear I can feel my metabolism STOP

when I purge.

But I've been purging everything up,

waiting until I can't taste whatever it was I ate.

And I still need a new scale...

I'm losing my mind not knowing what I weigh!

Maybe that's where I lost my motivation...

I lost my numbers...

I wasn't even counting yesterday when I binged!

Counting is the strongest defense I have 

to control myself.

I need to concentrate on that more.

I cannot wait to move out!

[10] I Suck

That's just all there is to it.
Last week, I did so amazing
I was dropping a pound a day.

Last week, all food looked like 
FAT FAT FAT FAT.

This week, food and FAT
are working their hardest
to get back at me for my success.
Fuck 'em.
I'm going to try going back
to what I was doing then.

Maybe this will work,
maybe it won't.
Either way, it's worth a shot.

And I'm not posting any weights
until I get my own goddamn scale.
I'm sick of the one here
telling me I'm thin
then the ones everywhere else
telling me the truth.
I'm a fucking cow.

I made it to the gym last night though.
I was so fucking happy that I finally went again.
Missed 2 days.
Elliptical = 300 burned
I could have done so much better,
but I kept getting this fucking pain
in my front-left side above my hip.
Then I did 3 sets on the abs/obliques machine.
20 front, 12 each side
Then I did the hamstrings, 3 sets
20, 12, 20
Then step ups, but I was almost dizzy.
Only one set of 20 on each leg :/
Oh, and 40 squats, 20 lunges
throughout the day at work.

I had one of those stupid smoothies though,
but this time I got the 'Fat Fighter.'
80 calories, with some shit that just
eats up fat, burns it faster.

New light dawned on me though.
Another reason why I fail
is because sometimes I'm happy
that I'm making progress,
when people say,
"You're so skinny!"
It's like... 'Then, maybe just one bite...' and a billion more!

Then we're back to square one,
me back to puking in the toilet
cleaning myself out
while also letting the acids
burn me from the inside out.

I don't want that anymore.
So, I'm going to do what always helps me.
Re-read my book on anorexia,
trying to convince me that it's wrong,
but only making it feel more right.
Then maybe watch some videos.

Quick history lesson on me,
I was fat as a kid.
Go fucking figure.
150lbs at 5 ft.
'Compulsive Overeater.'
God I remember that shit...
I don't know how on earth
I used to keep it all down.
That was from 11-13.
Then at 13, I watched a documentary
on HBO, by chance.
I was intrigued by these
beautiful bones girls,
and I wanted to be one.
So this documentary,
showing me their struggles,
their dissipation
made me try purging for the first time.
And I LOVED IT!

I mean, I could eat anything
and get away with it!
Now, I hate it...
Now I struggle with it.
Now I fight it off with all that I've got
and it isn't enough...
Mia is relentless,
and Ana can't even save me.

She will though.
I will.
And I will lose even more weight,
because Mia never took away
this huge ass,
the large gut,
the flabby arms,
the gelatinous thighs!
Mia left those there
as a constant reminder
that I am a failure.

Not anymore.
Ana will take all that away,
and I will be beautiful.

[9] Mediocrity Is My Calling

So, I did pretty well yesterday.
Didn't complete fasting like I'd wanted to
but I stayed under 300 calories.
Ended up purging too though.
Cheat.

Today I'm lowering my goals.
Starting at the bottom?
I think I expected to much from this
weak, disappointing excuse of a body.
I think I'll pick up some fruit to eat,
like an apple for lunch. [80]
Maybe some blueberries to snack on [.78 calories each]
and a salad for dinner. [50 - 75 calories]

I've had coffee for breakfast again [50].

I hate taking breaks at work
because I want to make as much money
as fast as possible
and move out of my mother's house.

Kelsie and I are planning
on sharing an apartment together.
We found 2/2 for like $950 a month.
Kick ass, right?

Taking care of Wally right now.
He has his worst hangover ever.
Too bad I have to work at noon.
I hope he's mobile by then.

K, that was this morning.
Evening now.
Going to the gym at 8:30!
Finally, all I've felt
is like I'm doing nothing
to get to my goal.
Like I'm a lazy pile of fat.

I ate a sub throughout the day
at work,
no cheese, no olive oil [400].
Had 2 cups of coffee,
still with sugar and cream :/ [50].
And 3 raw, sweet peppers [69].
Total for today = 569

Not the amount I'd wanted,
but 100 less than my norm
which means I'm working my way down.
I seriously feel like binging right now though,
which obviously would lead to purging.
I just feel so hungry,
but I need to control it...

Let you guys know how much of my ass
I work off tonight!
Thank you so much for reading,
and any support you offer
is seriously appreciated.
<3 Thank you so much.

[7] MY 'Just For Today's'

Ok, back on track.
Last night I partied.
I had 2 half shots.
One was Smirnoff [28]
the Malibu [34.5].
Not even worth it.
But we were out of juice.
I shouldn't even drink
for way too many reasons.
But the biggest one now,
the one that will keep me straightest
is counting.

Then we smoked some pot.
As if I could have done anything fucking more retarded.
We went to Denny's
and I'm estimating around 700
consumed in one sitting.

Fucking DISGUSTING.

I puked it all right back up.
Even better,
a woman came in after,
and the toilet wasn't flushing.
Gross.

I ran out while she was in the stall
so she couldn't see me.
Then I rushed everyone
saying we needed to get back to the party
even though me and Wally were coming back to my house.

I am restricting full on today.
I slept through breakfast
and I am drinking coffee now.
I want to get to drinking black coffee.
I'm working on it.
I put in one tsp of sugar [15]
and one tsp of non-dairy creamer [10].

I gained a pound back.
I weight 111.2.
Disgusting.

Haha screw you OA.
Here's my 'Just For Today's.'

Just for today,
I will stay strong today.
I will not eat a damn thing.
I will go to the gym
I will use the elliptical

until I can't feel my legs.
Until I forget about all the things
I hate about myself.

See, you weren't useless.
I learned something.

[4] They Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut You Up

My beautiful lines are fading.
They're no longer the vibrant red
of new incisions.

The holes I poked in my wrist
still make me smile.
They're my secret,
and I can see them all day long.
I can blame it on those playful adoption kittens.
They just don't know how to watch those claws/teeth!
Adorable, right?

Definitely a lot cuter than
that blade I broke out of a disposable razor.

I can never stop thinking about wanting to make more.
Wanting more reinforcements and reminders
to stay strong and
resist
those
calories!

I need water.
It's so cold out again.
Florida weather,
I will welcome you back
with open arms
and without complaint!

[3] Fail

Fucked up last night.
Horribly.
I'm disgusted.

Hanging out with some friends
they drank beer,
I drank water.
They started cooking,
and I was fine,
then suddenly starving!

I ate 1 scooped whole wheat bagel [est. 100]
Full Fat Cream Cheese [200]
Thick Slice Of Steak Tomato [8]

The A Spinach Wrap [est. 100]
Full Fat Shredded Cheddar [50]
Lettuce [4]
Tomato [6]
Banana Peppers [12]

And Mixed Nuts [est 200]

So for the entire FUCKED night,
I totaled at 680 Calories.

More than I ate
that
entire
day.

Then I purged it all back up,
leaving probably around 100 calories
since I'm sure all the food never comes back up.

Then today sucked too.
Forgot to take my vitamins
which always makes me
even more uncontrollable.
I ordered breakfast with a friend.
An omelet,
3 egg whites [48]
Feta Cheese [198]
Tomatoes [15]
Onions [21]
Whole Wheat Toast [90]
Oatmeal [like 300 because I'm a cow]

Total = 672

This sent me over the edge,
because I lost control
and kept wanting to eat more
of the damn omelet
because it was there.
If it wasn't there,
there would have been no temptation.
Stupid omelet.
Stupid/fat/disgusting/cow/pig me.
I purged.
Maybe half of it.
So that's back down to
336.
But I don't want to purge anymore.
Has to stop.

So now I just ate 4 egg whites [64]
because I'm going to the gym later.
If I stay at that,
I'll have only consumed 400 calories today.
Consume. Disgusting.

I can burn that off at the gym.
Maybe I'll go earlier to get in some cardio
before Kelsie gets there.
We're working on our upper body today
since we worked our lower yesterday.
I did 20 crunches today.
That's nothing.
I should do more.