[33] Still Skinny!

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been AWOL,

I've been worried that even by posting here,

this was becoming a trigger of mine,

but seeing as I'm fucking purging still,

and a lot unfortunately,

that isn't exactly true.

I'm trying to figure out wtf I'm doing.

Here's the gist of recent activity in my life:

1. Started My SAT Prep Classes [good]

2. Filling Out Applications For My Community College [Yay!]

3. Decided To Get My Hair And Tattoo Done [Amazing!]

4. Met Johnathan, my new little hook up [unsure...]

5 Crashed My Fucking Car... [Life=Derailed]

So now, I'm doing my classes online,

I have no way to get to Johnathan or anywhere

which leads to SERIOUS cabin fever.

I didn't have personal property coverage,

so I'm paying for the car out of pocket...

I don't think I will EVER buy another toyota in my life.

Wanna know why?

Because while I'm replacing the 

ENTIRE FRONT OF MY FUCKING CAR

the Honda Oddessey I hit has a mere dent in it's trunk door.

Whatever, the title of this blog is because I'd thought I'd gained

sooooo much weight after I stopped posting.

Apparently not,

I somehow managed to LOSE weight. 

106.0 lbs

That's insane!

Smiles for me.

But jebus... 

Not having  car after having a car is like...

hell.

Independence ripped from my fingers.

[I mostly go out at night,

my bike is broken,

and buses don't run late enough.

I'm not being lazy]

Thanks skinnybusiness  & tearsnsorrow

for your comments and suggestions. :]

Hehe, I'm bAAAAaaaaaack!

[25] Starving

I am fucking starving.

I am upset.

I am depressed.

All I want to do is

shovel food down my throat

and puke it all right back up...

Before, doing that 

would have been like nothing.

But now I just can't...

Everything looks like numbers to me,

not food.

I guess this is what I wanted though.

And I shouldn't complain

when I can do what other girls

only wish they could.

Another dreadful night...

I should try to sleep,

I'm tired as all hell...

And watching Moulin Rouge

Is probably a really stupid

idea right now.

I just want this shit 

with Wally to be over...

I want to see him so much.

But that's not right.

We're over...

I need to get used to that

and not let myself cling anymore...

It's not fair to either of us.

It's not fair to me.

I've got to stop doing this shit

to myself.

And thank you 

skinny business 

&

tearsnsorrow

for your comments & support.

Hope you guys, and everyone who reads this

are doing well.

Life's difficult,

but it's all one big expirience

to learn from after another.

Take it in stride.

Hopefully, I can follow 

my own advice as well.

Good night everyone.

[24] So Good, I'm Too Good

I've gotten to the point 

where even if I'm hungry

I can't even bring myself to eat.

Lost another 3/5 of a pound.

I'm at 109,

but that was weighed before 

I even went to the bathroom.

I ate next to nothing yesterday.

This morning,

I went to Kelsie's before

we were going to the gym.

Her dad made us breakfast,

only he made regular eggs...

not egg whites...

THREE OF THEM.

I couldn't say anything...

I could only finish two through [144],

and thank god Kelsie didn't press...

She knows how I am.

For the rest of the day, 

all I had was coffee [85]

and I just wasn't hungry...

Even made myself a salad

and brought a boca burger 

to add to it,

and I just wasn't hungry at all.

And since I'm going to the gym

again now with my sister

I'm eating something at least.

A slice of whole wheat toast [50]

with red pepper [15], 

onion [5],

 tomatoes [5],

portabella [20],

and the provolone I couldn't pick off... [60].

Working on some coffee too,

but I think I'm only gonna

make it through half of it [40].

Total today = 424

That number pisses me off so much,

but I can't pass out and get into trouble.

Ugh...  

*     *     *


K, so gym.
As soon as I got their,
I was in a battlefield of conflict.
Whilst I was searching for parking,
I saw Wally's car.
He was there too...
Thank god the cardio area was upstairs,
but all I wanted to do was see him,
talk to him.  
Just a "Hello, I miss you so much
please come back to me..."


I didn't see him though,
and his car was gone when I left...
And then I fell apart in the car.
I miss him so much...
I made my sister cry too.
That's what always happens with us.
She hugged me and kissed my head,
comforted by my 13 year old sister...
Wow, makes me laugh.


I'm going to see Kelsie 
before she gets off of work.
She got some of the money
Wally still owed me.


And I told her.
And I'll talk to her.
And I'll probably cry again.
Probably feel like my heart 
is going to explode from within my chest.
Choke.  Forget how to breathe.
It'll hurt, but I'll make it.
I miss him so much...
But this is the way it is,
and I've got to get with it.
I won't be miserable forever...
I just won't.


On a lighter, 
more controlled note.
I burned 475.5 calories.
That puts me at -51.5 calories.
Decent, but I could do better.

[22] First Time In Ten Years

I weight 109.6!

I can't believe I weight less 

than I have in ten years.

A few things I haven't

mentioned abut myself.

I've had an ED since I was 10.

Started as a

Compulsive Over Eater

then, at thirteen

I saw a documentary

about girls with eating disorders

in rehab.

All I saw were pretty people

with an amazing secret

to stay pretty.

So I started binging and purging.

I went from 150

to 120 in a matter of no time.

I've been struggling

to lose weight,

but Mia is not the way.

But dear lord the hold she 

had/has on me...

It was unbreakable.

Now, I've lost the weight I've wanted, 

and I've officially gone

an entire day without

binging or purging.

I'm happy,

but I know it's not over yet.

Getting past the grinding

thoughts of "Just one bite"

and then "That was waaaaay to much.

Get rid of it."

It's terrible.

But I'm not giving up this time.

I'm so done with Mia.

I'll post my calorie count later,

got to get ready for work.

Thanks for reading! <3

[19] Like A Tree

[Old pic, but I do love it.]
[My arms look big though]

I feel so hollow right now,

it's amazing.

I split this

vegan lunch thing with my friend.

I think she may be as crazy about

restricting as I am.

I B/Ped very slightly when I got home,

twice,

but nothing as drastic as my usual.

Baby steps,

right?

Some day,

I'm going to stop this B/P shit.

Some day I'm going to eat so little,

and be normal,

not constantly thinking about food.

Better than normal.

Those are my goals.

Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention,
I burned 600 calories
the other day.
I was so proud!
I kept pushing and pushing myself
to burn more,
go longer.
I stayed on until my friends wanted to leave.
I want to start trying to burn that much
in the morning and at night.
I be be in the negative if I did that,
which would be so awesome.

P.S. - Shout out to skinnybusiness

for all the awesome comments, support, and advice.
Thank you. :]

[18] Unlovable

He stayed because

he didn't want to see me cry.

He stayed because he cares about me.

But he doesn't love me.

He doesn't feel the same anymore.

He told me how he felt,

so I returned the favor :

"I feel like a worthless piece of shit."

"Why?"

"I'm nothing to no one.

No one loves me.

I don't even love me."

That's emo,

but it true.

And the 'whole' me

says I'm fucking pathetic.

The 'real' me

says to grow the fuck up.

No one in this world

means anything

to anyone

except

themselves.

But the 'Ana' me,

the girl trying to disappear

won't hear it.

Hearing that would derail everything.

Making sense would mean moving on.

Living.

I'm going to sit and rot for a while.

Why?

Why now?

Because with this one last straw,

my now skeletal back

has broken.

Because life has whittled me

down to this pathetic piece of shit.

And because despite me knowing all this,

despite me knowing that only you

can truly destroy yourself, 

or bring yourself down,

I just don't care anymore.

My life is going on mute 

for now.

And I don't know if I'll

ever want to hear the calamity again.

Oh, and these veins

will scream their sorrow tonight.

[15] Slacking

Ok...  I hate when I don't post

daily because it feels like info builds up...

Just to close up my last post, 

I did end up B/Ping.

W/e, made sure I got it all out,

so at least it wasn't like

a wasted effort or some shit.

I screwed up two nights ago, too,

on a pretty good day

by taking my friend to dunkin donuts

and having a large coffee [150]

and a multigrain bagel [380]

with light veggie cream cheese [120].

I wish I would have known that calorie count...

God, one coffee should be a meal!

A bagel should be 4.

Ugh...

Anyway, I kept it down,

which is good because I seriously have to stop B/Ping.

I mean, I did it at work again,

but I tried purging a donut that I ate a work

with nothing but that donut and water in me...

Didn't work out,

and I kinda choked a bit.

So I drank some coffee,

figuring the warmth would help break up the donut 

clump in my stomach.

It did, but I'm sure I didn't get it all out.

Ugh, I have to get back on track here.

Posting on here helps me keep track

of my calories and everything.

Thus far,

Coffee [40]

4 egg whites [64] with

onion [10] 

and broccoli [25].

Breakfast total = 139

No cream cheese,

no 100%WW English Muffin.

I'm thinking just eggs jam-packed 

with veggies from now on.

Let's see how today goes then.

And I think I'm going to change 

my blog name,

seeing as Ana and I can't seem to be close

with Mia popping up every five fucking seconds.

And god damn it I still need a scale!

I think I'm gaining weight in muscle

from going to the gym...

idk whether I'm happy with that or not yet...

[14] 'This Is Your Station Under No Control'

So, I have good news to report.

I haven't B/Ped for almost 2 days now.

Here's the bad news.

Mom's ordering pizza,

and that's like a major binge food of mine...

I do want to eat some pizza,

but I just can't gorge.

I just have to take tiny ass bites,

and always,

ALWAYS

take a gulp of water 

between bites.

I generally can't even finish

anything when I eat like that.

I've been damn good today.

Breakfast was a four egg white [64]

omelet with mixed veggies [25]

that Kelsie's dad made for us

and a slice of oatmeal toast [70].

Should have skipped on the toast.

Lunch was a salad [25]

with walnuts [100]

and a piece of bread [75]

and some fruit [51]

Coffee [50] now.

So thus far,

Todays total =460

Not as good as I'd thought...

Ugh.  Frustration...

[13] Good Day?

*Yesterday's Thought*
I'm getting ahead of myself,

but I'm feeling pretty good today.

Pretty strong.

*Yesterday's* Intake :

 4 Egg Whites = 64

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 a serving of cream cheese = 17.5

15 Grapes = 30

10 blueberries = 7.5

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 serving of PB = 47.5

1 cracker light PB spread = 10
1/2 Veggie Delight Sub = 230

Total Intake = 476.5


*Today*
Wow, 200 calories less
than what I started with
when I first started blogging on here.
That's encouraging.
Oh, and I went to the gym.
My legs were shaking
and felt like rubber when we left.
I don't feel it yet, 
but I know I will soon.


Damn, I should have skipped on that sub,
but this WHOLE fiasco happened.
I was super hungry,
so I was bugging Wally to go to subway
he wanted to smoke,
but I told him I was getting light headed
so we went.
Then, the entire time, 
he kept complaining
and complaining.
And my appetite went 
right out the damn window!


Then, of course, he started getting pissed at me,
and pissed that I wasn't eating...
So I had to.
I didn't want to.
Took forever!
I just wanted to spit every piece out.


A lot of stress has been
removed from my life,
but seems to have been replaced by another...
I'm getting even harder on myself
because I feel so unwanted.
I can see how fat and squishy my butt is,
I can see the fat under my butt.
I can see the rolls on my tummy when I sit.
I hate it...  All of it...

Even my arms, 
which didn't bug me before
look like flabby grossness...


I wish there was a smoothie shop around here...
I think I'm going to stop by the
fitness shop and look for a good 
additive that burns fat
and start making my own smoothies with it.


Fuck...  I don't want to work today!
Next two days off though.
Apartment hunting!
That's what I need to do,
and go to the gym in the morning.
I need to start doing that.
Kicks up my metabolism for the rest of the day.
Ugh...  Anyone reading,
tell me to get my shit together,
give me some advice how to do so or something!
Thanks :]

[12] MOVE!

I hate my mother.

You all say I can't

because she's my mother.

You're right.

A part of me loves her as my mother,

but that's because a part of me is my mother.

But I hate her as a person.

I hate everything about her.

I hate what she's put me through,

the choices she's made,

everything.

I got molested when I was 11,

she didn't do a damn thing about it.

Why?

Because I, 

the 11 year old, 

scared to death molestee

asked her not to.

Because she didn't want to start trouble

with a family friend.

Yea, an old bastard with a wife

and a son who was like my brother.

The guy was like a fucking father figure to me.

And nothing was ever done about.

Haunted me for years.

Ate away at every part of me 

until there was only fear and hate left.

And when she found out I was bulimic.

She told me to cut the crap,

that I was wasting her money.

That I disgusted her.

[Heard that on more than one occasion.]

When she saw my cuts,

"I don't want to see that,"

in her ever so popular 

tone of disgust.

Translation : Cover them up,

I'm not going to help you.

And a million other things I hate about her.

Now, after a year of the same situation

going on between me an Wally,

she keeps trying to shove her nose into everything.

She doesn't give a fuck if I get hurt,

she wants to have control over me

and tell me he can't spend the night anymore.

No worries guys,

I'm not getting hurt.

We're company for one another

because that's all we've ever known.

It may hurt in the end,

but I'll live.

So I need to find that number,

check out those apartments,

and drag Kelsie's ass there

so we can rent it

and I can get the fuck out of here,

because my god,

the thoughts I have of fighting my mother

fist-to-face

are almost so delightful

that I can taste them.

But again, no worries,

I won't.

She's not worth going to prison over.

Rant Over

I purged four times yesterday.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

Obviously that doesn't work.

I'm still not going over 600 calories a day,

so at least that is good.

But  swear I can feel my metabolism STOP

when I purge.

But I've been purging everything up,

waiting until I can't taste whatever it was I ate.

And I still need a new scale...

I'm losing my mind not knowing what I weigh!

Maybe that's where I lost my motivation...

I lost my numbers...

I wasn't even counting yesterday when I binged!

Counting is the strongest defense I have 

to control myself.

I need to concentrate on that more.

I cannot wait to move out!

[11] Well, So Much For That...

So, I failed miserably today...

I binged at work

on three pieces of pizza.

Threw it all right back up.

I hate puking at work.

Now I'm binging at home.

I don't know why...

I don't want to give up either.

I feel like such a fucking loser.

Can't even not eat right.

*     *     *

 

Purge Complete.

All 1000+ calories gone.

 

Fuck...

I feel better because I got it all out,

but I feel like shit for ONCE AGAIN

letting food get into my head

and inside of my stomach.

 

Ugh...

[10] I Suck

That's just all there is to it.
Last week, I did so amazing
I was dropping a pound a day.

Last week, all food looked like 
FAT FAT FAT FAT.

This week, food and FAT
are working their hardest
to get back at me for my success.
Fuck 'em.
I'm going to try going back
to what I was doing then.

Maybe this will work,
maybe it won't.
Either way, it's worth a shot.

And I'm not posting any weights
until I get my own goddamn scale.
I'm sick of the one here
telling me I'm thin
then the ones everywhere else
telling me the truth.
I'm a fucking cow.

I made it to the gym last night though.
I was so fucking happy that I finally went again.
Missed 2 days.
Elliptical = 300 burned
I could have done so much better,
but I kept getting this fucking pain
in my front-left side above my hip.
Then I did 3 sets on the abs/obliques machine.
20 front, 12 each side
Then I did the hamstrings, 3 sets
20, 12, 20
Then step ups, but I was almost dizzy.
Only one set of 20 on each leg :/
Oh, and 40 squats, 20 lunges
throughout the day at work.

I had one of those stupid smoothies though,
but this time I got the 'Fat Fighter.'
80 calories, with some shit that just
eats up fat, burns it faster.

New light dawned on me though.
Another reason why I fail
is because sometimes I'm happy
that I'm making progress,
when people say,
"You're so skinny!"
It's like... 'Then, maybe just one bite...' and a billion more!

Then we're back to square one,
me back to puking in the toilet
cleaning myself out
while also letting the acids
burn me from the inside out.

I don't want that anymore.
So, I'm going to do what always helps me.
Re-read my book on anorexia,
trying to convince me that it's wrong,
but only making it feel more right.
Then maybe watch some videos.

Quick history lesson on me,
I was fat as a kid.
Go fucking figure.
150lbs at 5 ft.
'Compulsive Overeater.'
God I remember that shit...
I don't know how on earth
I used to keep it all down.
That was from 11-13.
Then at 13, I watched a documentary
on HBO, by chance.
I was intrigued by these
beautiful bones girls,
and I wanted to be one.
So this documentary,
showing me their struggles,
their dissipation
made me try purging for the first time.
And I LOVED IT!

I mean, I could eat anything
and get away with it!
Now, I hate it...
Now I struggle with it.
Now I fight it off with all that I've got
and it isn't enough...
Mia is relentless,
and Ana can't even save me.

She will though.
I will.
And I will lose even more weight,
because Mia never took away
this huge ass,
the large gut,
the flabby arms,
the gelatinous thighs!
Mia left those there
as a constant reminder
that I am a failure.

Not anymore.
Ana will take all that away,
and I will be beautiful.

[9] Mediocrity Is My Calling

So, I did pretty well yesterday.
Didn't complete fasting like I'd wanted to
but I stayed under 300 calories.
Ended up purging too though.
Cheat.

Today I'm lowering my goals.
Starting at the bottom?
I think I expected to much from this
weak, disappointing excuse of a body.
I think I'll pick up some fruit to eat,
like an apple for lunch. [80]
Maybe some blueberries to snack on [.78 calories each]
and a salad for dinner. [50 - 75 calories]

I've had coffee for breakfast again [50].

I hate taking breaks at work
because I want to make as much money
as fast as possible
and move out of my mother's house.

Kelsie and I are planning
on sharing an apartment together.
We found 2/2 for like $950 a month.
Kick ass, right?

Taking care of Wally right now.
He has his worst hangover ever.
Too bad I have to work at noon.
I hope he's mobile by then.

K, that was this morning.
Evening now.
Going to the gym at 8:30!
Finally, all I've felt
is like I'm doing nothing
to get to my goal.
Like I'm a lazy pile of fat.

I ate a sub throughout the day
at work,
no cheese, no olive oil [400].
Had 2 cups of coffee,
still with sugar and cream :/ [50].
And 3 raw, sweet peppers [69].
Total for today = 569

Not the amount I'd wanted,
but 100 less than my norm
which means I'm working my way down.
I seriously feel like binging right now though,
which obviously would lead to purging.
I just feel so hungry,
but I need to control it...

Let you guys know how much of my ass
I work off tonight!
Thank you so much for reading,
and any support you offer
is seriously appreciated.
<3 Thank you so much.

[7] MY 'Just For Today's'

Ok, back on track.
Last night I partied.
I had 2 half shots.
One was Smirnoff [28]
the Malibu [34.5].
Not even worth it.
But we were out of juice.
I shouldn't even drink
for way too many reasons.
But the biggest one now,
the one that will keep me straightest
is counting.

Then we smoked some pot.
As if I could have done anything fucking more retarded.
We went to Denny's
and I'm estimating around 700
consumed in one sitting.

Fucking DISGUSTING.

I puked it all right back up.
Even better,
a woman came in after,
and the toilet wasn't flushing.
Gross.

I ran out while she was in the stall
so she couldn't see me.
Then I rushed everyone
saying we needed to get back to the party
even though me and Wally were coming back to my house.

I am restricting full on today.
I slept through breakfast
and I am drinking coffee now.
I want to get to drinking black coffee.
I'm working on it.
I put in one tsp of sugar [15]
and one tsp of non-dairy creamer [10].

I gained a pound back.
I weight 111.2.
Disgusting.

Haha screw you OA.
Here's my 'Just For Today's.'

Just for today,
I will stay strong today.
I will not eat a damn thing.
I will go to the gym
I will use the elliptical

until I can't feel my legs.
Until I forget about all the things
I hate about myself.

See, you weren't useless.
I learned something.

[4] They Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut-Cut You Up

My beautiful lines are fading.
They're no longer the vibrant red
of new incisions.

The holes I poked in my wrist
still make me smile.
They're my secret,
and I can see them all day long.
I can blame it on those playful adoption kittens.
They just don't know how to watch those claws/teeth!
Adorable, right?

Definitely a lot cuter than
that blade I broke out of a disposable razor.

I can never stop thinking about wanting to make more.
Wanting more reinforcements and reminders
to stay strong and
resist
those
calories!

I need water.
It's so cold out again.
Florida weather,
I will welcome you back
with open arms
and without complaint!

[3] Fail

Fucked up last night.
Horribly.
I'm disgusted.

Hanging out with some friends
they drank beer,
I drank water.
They started cooking,
and I was fine,
then suddenly starving!

I ate 1 scooped whole wheat bagel [est. 100]
Full Fat Cream Cheese [200]
Thick Slice Of Steak Tomato [8]

The A Spinach Wrap [est. 100]
Full Fat Shredded Cheddar [50]
Lettuce [4]
Tomato [6]
Banana Peppers [12]

And Mixed Nuts [est 200]

So for the entire FUCKED night,
I totaled at 680 Calories.

More than I ate
that
entire
day.

Then I purged it all back up,
leaving probably around 100 calories
since I'm sure all the food never comes back up.

Then today sucked too.
Forgot to take my vitamins
which always makes me
even more uncontrollable.
I ordered breakfast with a friend.
An omelet,
3 egg whites [48]
Feta Cheese [198]
Tomatoes [15]
Onions [21]
Whole Wheat Toast [90]
Oatmeal [like 300 because I'm a cow]

Total = 672

This sent me over the edge,
because I lost control
and kept wanting to eat more
of the damn omelet
because it was there.
If it wasn't there,
there would have been no temptation.
Stupid omelet.
Stupid/fat/disgusting/cow/pig me.
I purged.
Maybe half of it.
So that's back down to
336.
But I don't want to purge anymore.
Has to stop.

So now I just ate 4 egg whites [64]
because I'm going to the gym later.
If I stay at that,
I'll have only consumed 400 calories today.
Consume. Disgusting.

I can burn that off at the gym.
Maybe I'll go earlier to get in some cardio
before Kelsie gets there.
We're working on our upper body today
since we worked our lower yesterday.
I did 20 crunches today.
That's nothing.
I should do more.

[2] All Mine

Fucking Awesome.
Now I think my scale is off.
It tells me I am less
than the scales at the gym.

I don't want to admit it though.
It makes me feel like all I worked for
is right back in me.

According to my scale,
I weighed 110.2 this morning.
According to their scale,
I weighed 114.something this afternoon.
That means I was even fatter
when I started.

That means I should work even harder.

I let Kelsie try to stuff me today.
I let her feed me an apple
I didn't mind that
But I didn't eat the wheat-bran waffle.
I broke it into pieces
so it looked like I ate some
and then I threw all the pieces out
away
from
me.

I feel strong and in control
because that's what Ana is.
I know that.
I don't believe it's wrong.
They say it's wrong,
but it protects me.
I want to feel protected.
Ana protect me.

Mia hurt me.
Mia never helped.
Mia let me stay fat
when all I wanted to do
was lose more.
Was purge more.
But purging never helped.

I could purge all day
but it never helped!

I don't ever want to be Mia's friend ever again.

I joined the gym today too.
I do not want to just be skin and bones.
I want the fat on my thighs and butt to go away.

Kelsie worked me too the core
and I did not give up.

She wanted smoothies.
She wanted me to drink 340 calories.

Was she insane?
I picked the one with only 180.
I drank it so slow,
but had no water to fill me up between sips.
I chewed on the seeds from the raspberries and strawberries.
That left me at
Coffee + Cream & Sugar = 30
3 Egg Whites = 48
1/4 Scooped Whole Wheat English Muffin = 20
1/4 Serving of Peanut Butter = 47.5
1 Small Apple = 80
That fucking Smoothie = 180
That fucking 1/4 Kashi Pizza = 217.5

Total Today = 623

That's around my general intake
but it feels like WAY TOO MUCH.

Looking back, it sounds horrible,
you know it does.

I don't even want to talk about Wally.
He's made me so angry today.
He's made me want to punch walls
or more holes in my skin.

The cuts on my hip are so lovely.
So long.
So thin.
So red.
They're my secret, shh.

Every time I see them I smile.
The little cuts in my wrist that no one notices too.
They're my secret.
All mine.

[1] Firstie

I haven't got anything much to write about now,
except I can't sleep.
WARNING!
Unstable Girl, Beware!

I had 4 egg whites [64] for breakfast,
didn't even bother with the half of a
scooped whole wheat English muffin [50]
or the slight smear of light cream cheese [20].
Lunch was half a veggie delight sub,
no cheese [230],
snack plain oatmeal [100]
dinner, other half of sub [230].
Might have tossed that up during a random
and seriously unexpected/unwanted binge&purge...
I really want to stop that.
No Boerhaave's syndrome for me.
Hell no.
Total = Approx. 624 calories
Not bad.
Barely did ANY exercise today though.
60 squats, as opposed to my normal 100+ throughout the day.
No lunges. No crunches.
I think I'm looking better though.
Still, no swim suit material here.


I poke holes in me,
I wonder if the sun will shine through.
Maybe shine between the angry red lines,
or around the little polka-dots.


I was bad,
then I was better.
I'm not worse now,
but I'm not better anymore either.


I wonder what I will be like in the future,
because I know I won't be like this forever.
I know my thoughts can't keep me awake forever.
Anxiety... What a bitch.