[31] Hee hee

Due to a two-day in a row

FAIL

I'm doing a liquid fast today,

sub the vegetarian vitamins I take.

Enjoying a nice cup of green tea.

Cleansing my system

awesome.

I feel so much better all empty and clean.

Food was just clogging me up

and I gained a 0.6 lbs.

Blech.

Well, back to work.

Woopee...

I should really get to the gym tonight too.

Haven't gone in three days 

Ew!

Sorry it's short,

sorry I've been gone.

Post ya more later :]

[30] WOAH!

Yesterday was TERRIBLE!

Not in a depressing way.

I did purge after dinner,

but I ate candy at the movies with Joey,

and didn't purge.

He was watching me like a hawk,

but he doesn't know a bulimic's tricks.

"I have to pee," yea right.

But he asked me if I was going

to purge when I got home,

and I honestly said no.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach,

chocolate is a godawful thing to purge,

and I figured I'd just do a cleanse today.

I've got a huge bottle of water that I plan to refil

frequently and drain just as frequently

throughout the day.

I've gotta run.

going to get some groomer training this morning!

See you guys.

Oh, and no weigh in this morning.

Too afraid of freaking out

and ruining my day.

I'll have one tomorrow.

Calories thus far [104]

[29] Not Ready/Girls!Girls!Girls!

I don't want to get sick,

but I can't eat more than 

barely 500 calories a day

without having a purge freak out.

And it hurts my throat so much now.

I'm having my norm

of egg whites [64]

spinach [10]

but I can't finish my coffee [30].

I haven't even finished my eggs yet.

Total = 104

I got my naval pierced 2 days ago!

It's so cute,

and I'm having my tattoo drawn up for me.

Excited, I think it's going to be

a chest piece!

I think I need to see a therapist though,

dear god I'm SICK of feeling miserable.

I may talk to my step mother

about seeing my old therapist again.

I just can't get over this Wally shit.

I'm driving Kelsie crazy with me...

I get so jealous of them hanging out.

I'm being so insecure it's stupid.

I need to live MY life

and not fucking worry about other people.

Not worry about him.

Oh,

and there's this girl.

I think I want to be with a girl again.

Her name's Evie,

how fucking CUTE!

Anyway, I met her at my friend's

"Toy Party" haha.
She was really nice,

cute,

small,

tattoos,

and just gorgeous.

She works with my friend, Brittnay,

who's party we met at

and I asked Brittnay if Evie

was bi last night.

I made Britt SWEAR

never to tell anyone I asked,

but you know

who the fuck cares.

Everyone knows I'm bi,

and if she doesn't like me/girls

it's obviously not happening.

But still,

it makes we want to burst out

into a fit of nervous laughter.

Flirting and crushes are so much fun!

Anyway,

I guess that's what I've got for now,

we'll see how today goes.

And hi again everyone!

Hope you're all doing well!

:]

[28] Mad Fail

So, yesterday I was doing pretty well

trying to be normal,

and just eat

and do it by myself.

I'm not some pathetic idiot

who needs to cling to everyone else

for help.

It was ok...

Nearly had a breakdown at lunch

because I went to subway to get a salad

and the guy asked if I wanted Olive Oil

and for some dumb reason I said,

"Sure, just a little."

Lemme tell you...

This kid put on a shit load.

And Olive Oil is like,

sky rocketing

when it comes to calories and fat.

I almost wanted to cry 

walking back to my car.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

My way around it:

Chew and Spit.

Only I swallowed the food,

just spit out the dressing.

It made me calm down

so I ate without freaking.

But then at night,

I just lost it...

I binged,

which you all know

lead to a purge.

I wanted to eat something

to get something back into me.

But I couldn't...

I made coffee,

which I'm guessing was over [100]

but I know that's not enough

but I just couldn't bring myself to eat something 

that late at night...

So, after 12 I'm going to get dressed,

go to the highschool

paint

and go out with Cole most likely to do something

anything

and we'll eat.

And I'll pretend like I'm ok.

Because the world doesn't need to know

about the Drama Queen.

I'm going to have fun,

I'm going to be me.

I've got to end this.

Just typing blogs is starting to tire me.

My arms hurt after the slightest

amounts of lifting at work or anything,

my legs are tired,

my chest is pure bone,

like between my boobs

I see bones...

I've never seen those before.

My ribs are showing more and more

and my spine...

It's like the Rockey Mt.s relocated

onto my back.
And most of all,

I don't want any damage

that can't be fixed.

And I don't want Ana

to eat my brain!

So here goes Day 2.

Wish me luck.  Again.

[27] Normal?

I can't remember

the last time I had 

a normal eating pattern.

But I want to try now...

I think.

The road started getting blurry last night

when I was driving and Kelsie was in the car.

I could have killed my best friend...

I want to cry just thinking about it.

We were going to get my naval pierced

when I started losing focus on the road.

She told me I had to eat

or she'd shove food down my throat.

She works at a hospital.

She started talking tubes 

and god knows what else.

I ate one and a third or a crepe...

I felt like a fucking rock after that...

I felt like my stomach weighted a ton

and I was dragging a ball and chain.

And I ate it at night...

At night!

I hated it...

I felt like I was sleeping 

after swallowing pebbles

that kept bouncing around in my stomach

to keep me up and remind me 

of what I'd be giving up.

But I don't want to hurt anyone,

I don't want to die

and I'm tired of living like this...

I'm nearly bones

and that wasn't what I wanted

to begin with.

Locked away and hating life.

This isn't the only control.

I guess I'll be changing my blog again...

Regaining Control - Leaving ED Behind.

 

So this morning

I skipped weighing myself on the scale.

I don't think I'll be able to do that

and not cry for a while...

I'm trying not to count,

but it's damn hard 

when I've nearly got everything memorized...

4 Egg Whites [64]

Spinach [5]

One Slice of Toast [50]

1/2 serving PB [95]

Coffee [50]

Total [264]

Oh lord...

Here goes nothing...

And to my ana readers/friends,

I feel like I'm letting you down,

and I'm sorry.

But I'm not living for you.

I gotta start living for me.

I love you guys,

and I really hope you all take care of yourselves.

Don't let Ana eat your brain...

Once she gets through your fat and muscle,

she goes for your brain and eats it away.

Be careful.

Now all I've got to do

is stay in the middle 

of Ana and Mia...

Not too little,

not too much...

I am afraid

I want to cry.

But I need to be strong.

Wish me luck?

[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[25] Starving

I am fucking starving.

I am upset.

I am depressed.

All I want to do is

shovel food down my throat

and puke it all right back up...

Before, doing that 

would have been like nothing.

But now I just can't...

Everything looks like numbers to me,

not food.

I guess this is what I wanted though.

And I shouldn't complain

when I can do what other girls

only wish they could.

Another dreadful night...

I should try to sleep,

I'm tired as all hell...

And watching Moulin Rouge

Is probably a really stupid

idea right now.

I just want this shit 

with Wally to be over...

I want to see him so much.

But that's not right.

We're over...

I need to get used to that

and not let myself cling anymore...

It's not fair to either of us.

It's not fair to me.

I've got to stop doing this shit

to myself.

And thank you 

skinny business 

&

tearsnsorrow

for your comments & support.

Hope you guys, and everyone who reads this

are doing well.

Life's difficult,

but it's all one big expirience

to learn from after another.

Take it in stride.

Hopefully, I can follow 

my own advice as well.

Good night everyone.

[24] So Good, I'm Too Good

I've gotten to the point 

where even if I'm hungry

I can't even bring myself to eat.

Lost another 3/5 of a pound.

I'm at 109,

but that was weighed before 

I even went to the bathroom.

I ate next to nothing yesterday.

This morning,

I went to Kelsie's before

we were going to the gym.

Her dad made us breakfast,

only he made regular eggs...

not egg whites...

THREE OF THEM.

I couldn't say anything...

I could only finish two through [144],

and thank god Kelsie didn't press...

She knows how I am.

For the rest of the day, 

all I had was coffee [85]

and I just wasn't hungry...

Even made myself a salad

and brought a boca burger 

to add to it,

and I just wasn't hungry at all.

And since I'm going to the gym

again now with my sister

I'm eating something at least.

A slice of whole wheat toast [50]

with red pepper [15], 

onion [5],

 tomatoes [5],

portabella [20],

and the provolone I couldn't pick off... [60].

Working on some coffee too,

but I think I'm only gonna

make it through half of it [40].

Total today = 424

That number pisses me off so much,

but I can't pass out and get into trouble.

Ugh...  

*     *     *


K, so gym.
As soon as I got their,
I was in a battlefield of conflict.
Whilst I was searching for parking,
I saw Wally's car.
He was there too...
Thank god the cardio area was upstairs,
but all I wanted to do was see him,
talk to him.  
Just a "Hello, I miss you so much
please come back to me..."


I didn't see him though,
and his car was gone when I left...
And then I fell apart in the car.
I miss him so much...
I made my sister cry too.
That's what always happens with us.
She hugged me and kissed my head,
comforted by my 13 year old sister...
Wow, makes me laugh.


I'm going to see Kelsie 
before she gets off of work.
She got some of the money
Wally still owed me.


And I told her.
And I'll talk to her.
And I'll probably cry again.
Probably feel like my heart 
is going to explode from within my chest.
Choke.  Forget how to breathe.
It'll hurt, but I'll make it.
I miss him so much...
But this is the way it is,
and I've got to get with it.
I won't be miserable forever...
I just won't.


On a lighter, 
more controlled note.
I burned 475.5 calories.
That puts me at -51.5 calories.
Decent, but I could do better.

[22] First Time In Ten Years

I weight 109.6!

I can't believe I weight less 

than I have in ten years.

A few things I haven't

mentioned abut myself.

I've had an ED since I was 10.

Started as a

Compulsive Over Eater

then, at thirteen

I saw a documentary

about girls with eating disorders

in rehab.

All I saw were pretty people

with an amazing secret

to stay pretty.

So I started binging and purging.

I went from 150

to 120 in a matter of no time.

I've been struggling

to lose weight,

but Mia is not the way.

But dear lord the hold she 

had/has on me...

It was unbreakable.

Now, I've lost the weight I've wanted, 

and I've officially gone

an entire day without

binging or purging.

I'm happy,

but I know it's not over yet.

Getting past the grinding

thoughts of "Just one bite"

and then "That was waaaaay to much.

Get rid of it."

It's terrible.

But I'm not giving up this time.

I'm so done with Mia.

I'll post my calorie count later,

got to get ready for work.

Thanks for reading! <3

[21] Well Damn!

I did damn good today.

Breakfas was 4 egg whites [64]

some white onion [16]

8 cherry tomatoes [24]

Lunch was a portabella mushroom [15]

sandwich with red pepper [10]

a side salad [30].

And now I've eaten

a bite of my mother's pasta [15]

8 bite-sized pieces of pineapple [80]

and had some coffee

with non-dairy creamer [40]

and brown sugar [45]

because ants got into the regular sugar. 

Total = 339 calories.

And awesomely burned 

520.7 calories

at the gym.

That puts me at -181.7 calories today.

Awesome!

This is my best day yet.

I'm kinda hungry though,

but not that bad.

I'll drink water.

It's probably just my

late night B/P crave.

But I am not ruining this.

Not a chance!

Oh, and I went to the beach

with my little sister today.

I've decided to start rebuilding 

my relationship with her.

I actually wore shorts to the beach,

and took them off to swim in just

my bikini. 

It's a huge deal to me,

I'm usually so self-conscious, 

I feel fucking gross in shorts.

Can't wait until my period goes away...

I've been so bloated!

Thank god the cramps are gone.

Fucking terrible.

I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning!

[19] Like A Tree

[Old pic, but I do love it.]
[My arms look big though]

I feel so hollow right now,

it's amazing.

I split this

vegan lunch thing with my friend.

I think she may be as crazy about

restricting as I am.

I B/Ped very slightly when I got home,

twice,

but nothing as drastic as my usual.

Baby steps,

right?

Some day,

I'm going to stop this B/P shit.

Some day I'm going to eat so little,

and be normal,

not constantly thinking about food.

Better than normal.

Those are my goals.

Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention,
I burned 600 calories
the other day.
I was so proud!
I kept pushing and pushing myself
to burn more,
go longer.
I stayed on until my friends wanted to leave.
I want to start trying to burn that much
in the morning and at night.
I be be in the negative if I did that,
which would be so awesome.

P.S. - Shout out to skinnybusiness

for all the awesome comments, support, and advice.
Thank you. :]

[18] Unlovable

He stayed because

he didn't want to see me cry.

He stayed because he cares about me.

But he doesn't love me.

He doesn't feel the same anymore.

He told me how he felt,

so I returned the favor :

"I feel like a worthless piece of shit."

"Why?"

"I'm nothing to no one.

No one loves me.

I don't even love me."

That's emo,

but it true.

And the 'whole' me

says I'm fucking pathetic.

The 'real' me

says to grow the fuck up.

No one in this world

means anything

to anyone

except

themselves.

But the 'Ana' me,

the girl trying to disappear

won't hear it.

Hearing that would derail everything.

Making sense would mean moving on.

Living.

I'm going to sit and rot for a while.

Why?

Why now?

Because with this one last straw,

my now skeletal back

has broken.

Because life has whittled me

down to this pathetic piece of shit.

And because despite me knowing all this,

despite me knowing that only you

can truly destroy yourself, 

or bring yourself down,

I just don't care anymore.

My life is going on mute 

for now.

And I don't know if I'll

ever want to hear the calamity again.

Oh, and these veins

will scream their sorrow tonight.

[16] I Want To Disappear

I'm just not here anymore.

I wasn't myself this week,

and I hate it.

And then there's you.

You can't let me go,

but you refuse to let me in...

I can't even say three words anymore.

You keep me around 

because I'm all you know anymore...

I let you stay

because you're everything to me

and I don't want to let you go.

I know I'm letting myself fall,

I know I'm destroying myself.

I don't care anymore.

Love will be the death of me.

How tragically cliche.

How pathetic.

It's a constant struggle

between what I want

and what I believe.

What I think I should be,

and what I am painfully not.

I haven't eaten all morning.

My legs are getting thinner.

The fat on my thighs is starting to fade.

Finally.  But it's still there.

It's still disgusting.

I haven't worn shorts in 10 years.

I'm too disgusting for that.

I would turn heads and stomachs.

I want to be able to go to the beach

and not feel like one of the blobs

people laugh about with their friends,

cringe, gag, laugh, point.

I want to go away.

[15] Slacking

Ok...  I hate when I don't post

daily because it feels like info builds up...

Just to close up my last post, 

I did end up B/Ping.

W/e, made sure I got it all out,

so at least it wasn't like

a wasted effort or some shit.

I screwed up two nights ago, too,

on a pretty good day

by taking my friend to dunkin donuts

and having a large coffee [150]

and a multigrain bagel [380]

with light veggie cream cheese [120].

I wish I would have known that calorie count...

God, one coffee should be a meal!

A bagel should be 4.

Ugh...

Anyway, I kept it down,

which is good because I seriously have to stop B/Ping.

I mean, I did it at work again,

but I tried purging a donut that I ate a work

with nothing but that donut and water in me...

Didn't work out,

and I kinda choked a bit.

So I drank some coffee,

figuring the warmth would help break up the donut 

clump in my stomach.

It did, but I'm sure I didn't get it all out.

Ugh, I have to get back on track here.

Posting on here helps me keep track

of my calories and everything.

Thus far,

Coffee [40]

4 egg whites [64] with

onion [10] 

and broccoli [25].

Breakfast total = 139

No cream cheese,

no 100%WW English Muffin.

I'm thinking just eggs jam-packed 

with veggies from now on.

Let's see how today goes then.

And I think I'm going to change 

my blog name,

seeing as Ana and I can't seem to be close

with Mia popping up every five fucking seconds.

And god damn it I still need a scale!

I think I'm gaining weight in muscle

from going to the gym...

idk whether I'm happy with that or not yet...

[14] 'This Is Your Station Under No Control'

So, I have good news to report.

I haven't B/Ped for almost 2 days now.

Here's the bad news.

Mom's ordering pizza,

and that's like a major binge food of mine...

I do want to eat some pizza,

but I just can't gorge.

I just have to take tiny ass bites,

and always,

ALWAYS

take a gulp of water 

between bites.

I generally can't even finish

anything when I eat like that.

I've been damn good today.

Breakfast was a four egg white [64]

omelet with mixed veggies [25]

that Kelsie's dad made for us

and a slice of oatmeal toast [70].

Should have skipped on the toast.

Lunch was a salad [25]

with walnuts [100]

and a piece of bread [75]

and some fruit [51]

Coffee [50] now.

So thus far,

Todays total =460

Not as good as I'd thought...

Ugh.  Frustration...

[13] Good Day?

*Yesterday's Thought*
I'm getting ahead of myself,

but I'm feeling pretty good today.

Pretty strong.

*Yesterday's* Intake :

 4 Egg Whites = 64

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 a serving of cream cheese = 17.5

15 Grapes = 30

10 blueberries = 7.5

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 serving of PB = 47.5

1 cracker light PB spread = 10
1/2 Veggie Delight Sub = 230

Total Intake = 476.5


*Today*
Wow, 200 calories less
than what I started with
when I first started blogging on here.
That's encouraging.
Oh, and I went to the gym.
My legs were shaking
and felt like rubber when we left.
I don't feel it yet, 
but I know I will soon.


Damn, I should have skipped on that sub,
but this WHOLE fiasco happened.
I was super hungry,
so I was bugging Wally to go to subway
he wanted to smoke,
but I told him I was getting light headed
so we went.
Then, the entire time, 
he kept complaining
and complaining.
And my appetite went 
right out the damn window!


Then, of course, he started getting pissed at me,
and pissed that I wasn't eating...
So I had to.
I didn't want to.
Took forever!
I just wanted to spit every piece out.


A lot of stress has been
removed from my life,
but seems to have been replaced by another...
I'm getting even harder on myself
because I feel so unwanted.
I can see how fat and squishy my butt is,
I can see the fat under my butt.
I can see the rolls on my tummy when I sit.
I hate it...  All of it...

Even my arms, 
which didn't bug me before
look like flabby grossness...


I wish there was a smoothie shop around here...
I think I'm going to stop by the
fitness shop and look for a good 
additive that burns fat
and start making my own smoothies with it.


Fuck...  I don't want to work today!
Next two days off though.
Apartment hunting!
That's what I need to do,
and go to the gym in the morning.
I need to start doing that.
Kicks up my metabolism for the rest of the day.
Ugh...  Anyone reading,
tell me to get my shit together,
give me some advice how to do so or something!
Thanks :]

[12] MOVE!

I hate my mother.

You all say I can't

because she's my mother.

You're right.

A part of me loves her as my mother,

but that's because a part of me is my mother.

But I hate her as a person.

I hate everything about her.

I hate what she's put me through,

the choices she's made,

everything.

I got molested when I was 11,

she didn't do a damn thing about it.

Why?

Because I, 

the 11 year old, 

scared to death molestee

asked her not to.

Because she didn't want to start trouble

with a family friend.

Yea, an old bastard with a wife

and a son who was like my brother.

The guy was like a fucking father figure to me.

And nothing was ever done about.

Haunted me for years.

Ate away at every part of me 

until there was only fear and hate left.

And when she found out I was bulimic.

She told me to cut the crap,

that I was wasting her money.

That I disgusted her.

[Heard that on more than one occasion.]

When she saw my cuts,

"I don't want to see that,"

in her ever so popular 

tone of disgust.

Translation : Cover them up,

I'm not going to help you.

And a million other things I hate about her.

Now, after a year of the same situation

going on between me an Wally,

she keeps trying to shove her nose into everything.

She doesn't give a fuck if I get hurt,

she wants to have control over me

and tell me he can't spend the night anymore.

No worries guys,

I'm not getting hurt.

We're company for one another

because that's all we've ever known.

It may hurt in the end,

but I'll live.

So I need to find that number,

check out those apartments,

and drag Kelsie's ass there

so we can rent it

and I can get the fuck out of here,

because my god,

the thoughts I have of fighting my mother

fist-to-face

are almost so delightful

that I can taste them.

But again, no worries,

I won't.

She's not worth going to prison over.

Rant Over

I purged four times yesterday.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

Obviously that doesn't work.

I'm still not going over 600 calories a day,

so at least that is good.

But  swear I can feel my metabolism STOP

when I purge.

But I've been purging everything up,

waiting until I can't taste whatever it was I ate.

And I still need a new scale...

I'm losing my mind not knowing what I weigh!

Maybe that's where I lost my motivation...

I lost my numbers...

I wasn't even counting yesterday when I binged!

Counting is the strongest defense I have 

to control myself.

I need to concentrate on that more.

I cannot wait to move out!

[10] I Suck

That's just all there is to it.
Last week, I did so amazing
I was dropping a pound a day.

Last week, all food looked like 
FAT FAT FAT FAT.

This week, food and FAT
are working their hardest
to get back at me for my success.
Fuck 'em.
I'm going to try going back
to what I was doing then.

Maybe this will work,
maybe it won't.
Either way, it's worth a shot.

And I'm not posting any weights
until I get my own goddamn scale.
I'm sick of the one here
telling me I'm thin
then the ones everywhere else
telling me the truth.
I'm a fucking cow.

I made it to the gym last night though.
I was so fucking happy that I finally went again.
Missed 2 days.
Elliptical = 300 burned
I could have done so much better,
but I kept getting this fucking pain
in my front-left side above my hip.
Then I did 3 sets on the abs/obliques machine.
20 front, 12 each side
Then I did the hamstrings, 3 sets
20, 12, 20
Then step ups, but I was almost dizzy.
Only one set of 20 on each leg :/
Oh, and 40 squats, 20 lunges
throughout the day at work.

I had one of those stupid smoothies though,
but this time I got the 'Fat Fighter.'
80 calories, with some shit that just
eats up fat, burns it faster.

New light dawned on me though.
Another reason why I fail
is because sometimes I'm happy
that I'm making progress,
when people say,
"You're so skinny!"
It's like... 'Then, maybe just one bite...' and a billion more!

Then we're back to square one,
me back to puking in the toilet
cleaning myself out
while also letting the acids
burn me from the inside out.

I don't want that anymore.
So, I'm going to do what always helps me.
Re-read my book on anorexia,
trying to convince me that it's wrong,
but only making it feel more right.
Then maybe watch some videos.

Quick history lesson on me,
I was fat as a kid.
Go fucking figure.
150lbs at 5 ft.
'Compulsive Overeater.'
God I remember that shit...
I don't know how on earth
I used to keep it all down.
That was from 11-13.
Then at 13, I watched a documentary
on HBO, by chance.
I was intrigued by these
beautiful bones girls,
and I wanted to be one.
So this documentary,
showing me their struggles,
their dissipation
made me try purging for the first time.
And I LOVED IT!

I mean, I could eat anything
and get away with it!
Now, I hate it...
Now I struggle with it.
Now I fight it off with all that I've got
and it isn't enough...
Mia is relentless,
and Ana can't even save me.

She will though.
I will.
And I will lose even more weight,
because Mia never took away
this huge ass,
the large gut,
the flabby arms,
the gelatinous thighs!
Mia left those there
as a constant reminder
that I am a failure.

Not anymore.
Ana will take all that away,
and I will be beautiful.