[36] I'll Be Damned

     I made that other blog

to get away from the darkness of this one.

Yea, I haven't even posted on here in forever

and I'm still purging.  I purge over absolutely nothing.

I don't know if I'm happy, miserable, depressed, content.

It's up and down all the time.

But I can control this.

I firmly believe that I don't have a mental problem,

I just have my limits, and they are being tested

and that is what is making me so crazed.

But I don't know my limits.

I don't know what's wrong.

Cut again, and I missed it.

Cutting.  Puking. Crying.

I am glorious.

I need love.  Love for myself.

Love for another.

There is no love in this house,

and it is a house 

because I'll be damned 

if I ever call it a home.

Daddy, I miss you so much.

So much just starting to think of it hurts.

So much that I just want this pain to go away.

So much it leaves me empty.

I feel lonely, maybe because I know people really do die.

People you never expect to,

no matter what the circumstances.

Please, someone out there.

Find Me.

[34] It's Been A While

I know this site is a trigger, but I still want to talk to people who cna understand this. I've been doing so well, only purged 4 times in the past month, possibly longer. Can't remember. I screwed the day before yesterday, which always fucks up my stomach for the next day.
God, does anyone know how horrible it is to not purge not to purge when your body is screaming for it? When it feels like the food you just ate is sitting directly in your throat, just waiting to get back out because it obviously just doesn't belong inside of you? It's so crazy to have your own mind and body fighting against you. Begging you to get rid of something that doesn't belong. But I somehow managed to not give in. I layer totally still. It was the only way to not feel the nausea of everything moving back and forth, sloshing side to side.
But I didn't purge, and I'm so proud of myself.
I swear, when I feel that full, it feels like I honesty consumed my weight in food, but when I look back with a clear mind, I ate next to nothing. It's just when I smoke, which I won't be doing anymore because it's a major binge/purge trigger. Or when I'm stressing about ing things. Things that will be resolved in the morning, but my anxiety makes feel like the end of the world the day of.
I need to het back to work now, but to everyone struggling to regain control of a normal life, I hope for you all. Take care, love yourself. We're all so beautiful and only have one life to live. Don't tear yourself apart when all you need is to smile and say I love you to the mirror.

<3