[36] I'll Be Damned

     I made that other blog

to get away from the darkness of this one.

Yea, I haven't even posted on here in forever

and I'm still purging.  I purge over absolutely nothing.

I don't know if I'm happy, miserable, depressed, content.

It's up and down all the time.

But I can control this.

I firmly believe that I don't have a mental problem,

I just have my limits, and they are being tested

and that is what is making me so crazed.

But I don't know my limits.

I don't know what's wrong.

Cut again, and I missed it.

Cutting.  Puking. Crying.

I am glorious.

I need love.  Love for myself.

Love for another.

There is no love in this house,

and it is a house 

because I'll be damned 

if I ever call it a home.

Daddy, I miss you so much.

So much just starting to think of it hurts.

So much that I just want this pain to go away.

So much it leaves me empty.

I feel lonely, maybe because I know people really do die.

People you never expect to,

no matter what the circumstances.

Please, someone out there.

Find Me.

[27] Normal?

I can't remember

the last time I had 

a normal eating pattern.

But I want to try now...

I think.

The road started getting blurry last night

when I was driving and Kelsie was in the car.

I could have killed my best friend...

I want to cry just thinking about it.

We were going to get my naval pierced

when I started losing focus on the road.

She told me I had to eat

or she'd shove food down my throat.

She works at a hospital.

She started talking tubes 

and god knows what else.

I ate one and a third or a crepe...

I felt like a fucking rock after that...

I felt like my stomach weighted a ton

and I was dragging a ball and chain.

And I ate it at night...

At night!

I hated it...

I felt like I was sleeping 

after swallowing pebbles

that kept bouncing around in my stomach

to keep me up and remind me 

of what I'd be giving up.

But I don't want to hurt anyone,

I don't want to die

and I'm tired of living like this...

I'm nearly bones

and that wasn't what I wanted

to begin with.

Locked away and hating life.

This isn't the only control.

I guess I'll be changing my blog again...

Regaining Control - Leaving ED Behind.

 

So this morning

I skipped weighing myself on the scale.

I don't think I'll be able to do that

and not cry for a while...

I'm trying not to count,

but it's damn hard 

when I've nearly got everything memorized...

4 Egg Whites [64]

Spinach [5]

One Slice of Toast [50]

1/2 serving PB [95]

Coffee [50]

Total [264]

Oh lord...

Here goes nothing...

And to my ana readers/friends,

I feel like I'm letting you down,

and I'm sorry.

But I'm not living for you.

I gotta start living for me.

I love you guys,

and I really hope you all take care of yourselves.

Don't let Ana eat your brain...

Once she gets through your fat and muscle,

she goes for your brain and eats it away.

Be careful.

Now all I've got to do

is stay in the middle 

of Ana and Mia...

Not too little,

not too much...

I am afraid

I want to cry.

But I need to be strong.

Wish me luck?

[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[25] Starving

I am fucking starving.

I am upset.

I am depressed.

All I want to do is

shovel food down my throat

and puke it all right back up...

Before, doing that 

would have been like nothing.

But now I just can't...

Everything looks like numbers to me,

not food.

I guess this is what I wanted though.

And I shouldn't complain

when I can do what other girls

only wish they could.

Another dreadful night...

I should try to sleep,

I'm tired as all hell...

And watching Moulin Rouge

Is probably a really stupid

idea right now.

I just want this shit 

with Wally to be over...

I want to see him so much.

But that's not right.

We're over...

I need to get used to that

and not let myself cling anymore...

It's not fair to either of us.

It's not fair to me.

I've got to stop doing this shit

to myself.

And thank you 

skinny business 

&

tearsnsorrow

for your comments & support.

Hope you guys, and everyone who reads this

are doing well.

Life's difficult,

but it's all one big expirience

to learn from after another.

Take it in stride.

Hopefully, I can follow 

my own advice as well.

Good night everyone.

[18] Unlovable

He stayed because

he didn't want to see me cry.

He stayed because he cares about me.

But he doesn't love me.

He doesn't feel the same anymore.

He told me how he felt,

so I returned the favor :

"I feel like a worthless piece of shit."

"Why?"

"I'm nothing to no one.

No one loves me.

I don't even love me."

That's emo,

but it true.

And the 'whole' me

says I'm fucking pathetic.

The 'real' me

says to grow the fuck up.

No one in this world

means anything

to anyone

except

themselves.

But the 'Ana' me,

the girl trying to disappear

won't hear it.

Hearing that would derail everything.

Making sense would mean moving on.

Living.

I'm going to sit and rot for a while.

Why?

Why now?

Because with this one last straw,

my now skeletal back

has broken.

Because life has whittled me

down to this pathetic piece of shit.

And because despite me knowing all this,

despite me knowing that only you

can truly destroy yourself, 

or bring yourself down,

I just don't care anymore.

My life is going on mute 

for now.

And I don't know if I'll

ever want to hear the calamity again.

Oh, and these veins

will scream their sorrow tonight.

[16] I Want To Disappear

I'm just not here anymore.

I wasn't myself this week,

and I hate it.

And then there's you.

You can't let me go,

but you refuse to let me in...

I can't even say three words anymore.

You keep me around 

because I'm all you know anymore...

I let you stay

because you're everything to me

and I don't want to let you go.

I know I'm letting myself fall,

I know I'm destroying myself.

I don't care anymore.

Love will be the death of me.

How tragically cliche.

How pathetic.

It's a constant struggle

between what I want

and what I believe.

What I think I should be,

and what I am painfully not.

I haven't eaten all morning.

My legs are getting thinner.

The fat on my thighs is starting to fade.

Finally.  But it's still there.

It's still disgusting.

I haven't worn shorts in 10 years.

I'm too disgusting for that.

I would turn heads and stomachs.

I want to be able to go to the beach

and not feel like one of the blobs

people laugh about with their friends,

cringe, gag, laugh, point.

I want to go away.