[34] It's Been A While

I know this site is a trigger, but I still want to talk to people who cna understand this. I've been doing so well, only purged 4 times in the past month, possibly longer. Can't remember. I screwed the day before yesterday, which always fucks up my stomach for the next day.
God, does anyone know how horrible it is to not purge not to purge when your body is screaming for it? When it feels like the food you just ate is sitting directly in your throat, just waiting to get back out because it obviously just doesn't belong inside of you? It's so crazy to have your own mind and body fighting against you. Begging you to get rid of something that doesn't belong. But I somehow managed to not give in. I layer totally still. It was the only way to not feel the nausea of everything moving back and forth, sloshing side to side.
But I didn't purge, and I'm so proud of myself.
I swear, when I feel that full, it feels like I honesty consumed my weight in food, but when I look back with a clear mind, I ate next to nothing. It's just when I smoke, which I won't be doing anymore because it's a major binge/purge trigger. Or when I'm stressing about ing things. Things that will be resolved in the morning, but my anxiety makes feel like the end of the world the day of.
I need to het back to work now, but to everyone struggling to regain control of a normal life, I hope for you all. Take care, love yourself. We're all so beautiful and only have one life to live. Don't tear yourself apart when all you need is to smile and say I love you to the mirror.

<3

[30] WOAH!

Yesterday was TERRIBLE!

Not in a depressing way.

I did purge after dinner,

but I ate candy at the movies with Joey,

and didn't purge.

He was watching me like a hawk,

but he doesn't know a bulimic's tricks.

"I have to pee," yea right.

But he asked me if I was going

to purge when I got home,

and I honestly said no.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach,

chocolate is a godawful thing to purge,

and I figured I'd just do a cleanse today.

I've got a huge bottle of water that I plan to refil

frequently and drain just as frequently

throughout the day.

I've gotta run.

going to get some groomer training this morning!

See you guys.

Oh, and no weigh in this morning.

Too afraid of freaking out

and ruining my day.

I'll have one tomorrow.

Calories thus far [104]

[28] Mad Fail

So, yesterday I was doing pretty well

trying to be normal,

and just eat

and do it by myself.

I'm not some pathetic idiot

who needs to cling to everyone else

for help.

It was ok...

Nearly had a breakdown at lunch

because I went to subway to get a salad

and the guy asked if I wanted Olive Oil

and for some dumb reason I said,

"Sure, just a little."

Lemme tell you...

This kid put on a shit load.

And Olive Oil is like,

sky rocketing

when it comes to calories and fat.

I almost wanted to cry 

walking back to my car.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

My way around it:

Chew and Spit.

Only I swallowed the food,

just spit out the dressing.

It made me calm down

so I ate without freaking.

But then at night,

I just lost it...

I binged,

which you all know

lead to a purge.

I wanted to eat something

to get something back into me.

But I couldn't...

I made coffee,

which I'm guessing was over [100]

but I know that's not enough

but I just couldn't bring myself to eat something 

that late at night...

So, after 12 I'm going to get dressed,

go to the highschool

paint

and go out with Cole most likely to do something

anything

and we'll eat.

And I'll pretend like I'm ok.

Because the world doesn't need to know

about the Drama Queen.

I'm going to have fun,

I'm going to be me.

I've got to end this.

Just typing blogs is starting to tire me.

My arms hurt after the slightest

amounts of lifting at work or anything,

my legs are tired,

my chest is pure bone,

like between my boobs

I see bones...

I've never seen those before.

My ribs are showing more and more

and my spine...

It's like the Rockey Mt.s relocated

onto my back.
And most of all,

I don't want any damage

that can't be fixed.

And I don't want Ana

to eat my brain!

So here goes Day 2.

Wish me luck.  Again.

[23] So, My Best Friend...

Wally and I are finito,

but my best friend Kelsie

just confessed to me that 

she does in fact have a crush on him.

But no matter how much

I tried to tell her to just do what she wants

and leave me the fuck alone,

she kept insisting that it wasn't worth

losing me as her best friend,

and that she loves me.

She really is the one friend

that I love undoubtedly

because she has always been there for me

and she truly is an amazing person

who helps me get through anything.

So this was an odd predicament,

and we met up to talk.

I told her that I will trust her,

because I want to have her as my friend always.

But if she EVER did anything,

she'd better tell me

and that she and he would both be dead to me

for good.
And I mean...
We were looking to be roomates
together too...  
She can't fuck that up.

So she's talking to Wally,

because it's as if nothing happened.

She's still my best friend,

and she loves me

and wants to help me be happy.

And she knows the whole Wally thing

is making me miserable

so she's talking to Wally to tell him

that I do want to be friends,

but I can't right now while

I'm still not over him.

So he needs to leave me alone 

so I can get over him.

I ate my eggs this morning [64]

spinach [10], onions [10].

I had coffee too though [50].

So that's 134.

I screwed up,

threw up,

but I'm sure I got at least 

200 calories left afterward.

Kelsie's going to call me 

after they're done eating/talking.

It's good, and  do need this,

but geez today was wretched...

Oh, and I pretty much filled her in

on what's been going on with me.

The restricting, 

and I've been cutting again.

I never ike admitting that

but I told her why I did it to.

Punishment.

Last night, 

I just couldn't stop fucking

thinking about Wally.

So every time I thought of him,

I'd cut.  And cut.

It helped, but took a while,

if you know what I'm getting at.

On top of that, 

my blood pressure 

was so freaking low

I didn't even bleed more 

than enough to fill the cut 

and dry/scab over immediately.

Crazy...

I think I want to go to sleep.

This day has just bee exhausting...

[22] First Time In Ten Years

I weight 109.6!

I can't believe I weight less 

than I have in ten years.

A few things I haven't

mentioned abut myself.

I've had an ED since I was 10.

Started as a

Compulsive Over Eater

then, at thirteen

I saw a documentary

about girls with eating disorders

in rehab.

All I saw were pretty people

with an amazing secret

to stay pretty.

So I started binging and purging.

I went from 150

to 120 in a matter of no time.

I've been struggling

to lose weight,

but Mia is not the way.

But dear lord the hold she 

had/has on me...

It was unbreakable.

Now, I've lost the weight I've wanted, 

and I've officially gone

an entire day without

binging or purging.

I'm happy,

but I know it's not over yet.

Getting past the grinding

thoughts of "Just one bite"

and then "That was waaaaay to much.

Get rid of it."

It's terrible.

But I'm not giving up this time.

I'm so done with Mia.

I'll post my calorie count later,

got to get ready for work.

Thanks for reading! <3

[19] Like A Tree

[Old pic, but I do love it.]
[My arms look big though]

I feel so hollow right now,

it's amazing.

I split this

vegan lunch thing with my friend.

I think she may be as crazy about

restricting as I am.

I B/Ped very slightly when I got home,

twice,

but nothing as drastic as my usual.

Baby steps,

right?

Some day,

I'm going to stop this B/P shit.

Some day I'm going to eat so little,

and be normal,

not constantly thinking about food.

Better than normal.

Those are my goals.

Oh, and I keep forgetting to mention,
I burned 600 calories
the other day.
I was so proud!
I kept pushing and pushing myself
to burn more,
go longer.
I stayed on until my friends wanted to leave.
I want to start trying to burn that much
in the morning and at night.
I be be in the negative if I did that,
which would be so awesome.

P.S. - Shout out to skinnybusiness

for all the awesome comments, support, and advice.
Thank you. :]

[15] Slacking

Ok...  I hate when I don't post

daily because it feels like info builds up...

Just to close up my last post, 

I did end up B/Ping.

W/e, made sure I got it all out,

so at least it wasn't like

a wasted effort or some shit.

I screwed up two nights ago, too,

on a pretty good day

by taking my friend to dunkin donuts

and having a large coffee [150]

and a multigrain bagel [380]

with light veggie cream cheese [120].

I wish I would have known that calorie count...

God, one coffee should be a meal!

A bagel should be 4.

Ugh...

Anyway, I kept it down,

which is good because I seriously have to stop B/Ping.

I mean, I did it at work again,

but I tried purging a donut that I ate a work

with nothing but that donut and water in me...

Didn't work out,

and I kinda choked a bit.

So I drank some coffee,

figuring the warmth would help break up the donut 

clump in my stomach.

It did, but I'm sure I didn't get it all out.

Ugh, I have to get back on track here.

Posting on here helps me keep track

of my calories and everything.

Thus far,

Coffee [40]

4 egg whites [64] with

onion [10] 

and broccoli [25].

Breakfast total = 139

No cream cheese,

no 100%WW English Muffin.

I'm thinking just eggs jam-packed 

with veggies from now on.

Let's see how today goes then.

And I think I'm going to change 

my blog name,

seeing as Ana and I can't seem to be close

with Mia popping up every five fucking seconds.

And god damn it I still need a scale!

I think I'm gaining weight in muscle

from going to the gym...

idk whether I'm happy with that or not yet...

[14] 'This Is Your Station Under No Control'

So, I have good news to report.

I haven't B/Ped for almost 2 days now.

Here's the bad news.

Mom's ordering pizza,

and that's like a major binge food of mine...

I do want to eat some pizza,

but I just can't gorge.

I just have to take tiny ass bites,

and always,

ALWAYS

take a gulp of water 

between bites.

I generally can't even finish

anything when I eat like that.

I've been damn good today.

Breakfast was a four egg white [64]

omelet with mixed veggies [25]

that Kelsie's dad made for us

and a slice of oatmeal toast [70].

Should have skipped on the toast.

Lunch was a salad [25]

with walnuts [100]

and a piece of bread [75]

and some fruit [51]

Coffee [50] now.

So thus far,

Todays total =460

Not as good as I'd thought...

Ugh.  Frustration...