Today may pretty much
turn into a fast,
planned or not.
Usually I eat
to avoid eating shit later one.
But I'm just not hungry.
I don't even feel like eating my norm.
And even if I start eating,
I just can't.
One bite and it's like
my thoughts are filling my mouth
and sealing it shut.
My weight this morning was 108.2.
I'm almost dropping a pound a day.
I've had eating disorders forever
and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health
any further than it already has.
I'm debating getting help
but I don't want to give this up!
I'm too fat,
food's so gross.
I don't even know if I can get help.
My step-mother has only ever sent me
to shrinks and therapists
and those haven't been specifically
for my ED's...
I was a COE for 2 years,
but no one ever identifies that
as an ED, especially
when you're only 11.
I was bulimic for 5 years,
and Mia taught me to lie so well...
I got caught so many times,
and I'd just get sneakier.
Stopped for half a year
because I had to go live
with my father & step mother
because I got caught on a lot of stuff...
Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,
when I was thirteen.
They didn't catch me for the puking
until I went up there and forgot
to flush the toilet a second time...
Broccoli... what a traitor.
Now, I'm not eating.
It's only been a few weeks,
so I wouldn't call myself anorexic
quite yet... Doesn't seem like
I've earned it/I'm there yet.
But I am concerned.
My step mother will be down
in less than two weeks
and if she doesn't notice anything,
I'm not working hard enough.
That made me want to laugh.
I have no idea.
I guess I have two more weeks,
and then this may all be over.
I wish I could live like this,
but I'll end up killing myself.
My dad died from liver failure
due to his alcoholism and HepC.
I miss him so much,
but I think that should be
like a huge, red STOP
sign smacking me in the face.
But I don't know how to ask for help.
I don't know if I'm too afraid
of people getting angry at me
because they'd have to pay
or they'll be angry
because I've lied for so long.
I'm not sure if I sugar coat it
to avoid being hospitalized.
I don't want to end up with tubes
and wires and computers hooked on me...
with god knows how many calories
pouring in under my skin
turning me into a big,
fleshy water balloon.
I'm just not going to stress
and just go with what happens for now.
That's all I really can do.
I'm worried my ED
may be hindering me
from getting over Wally.
That's I think my major concern.
I don't want to be held back in life.
I think you're having some good thoughts about all this. It seems like you're thinking this through instead of just reacting and relying completely on emotions. I think that's good.
ReplyDeleteI also think it's good that you're a little concerned about your sudden loss of appetite.
I sort of know what you mean. I have never really had an ED, but I've always sort of been...almost an occasional obsessive UNDER-eater. Food will sometimes just randomly gross me out and I won't be able to eat right for a while. It freaks me out.
Maybe try eating lots of fruit? That always seems easier. Plan out your meals and force yourself to stick to them.
Hope you don't mind my commenting. I don't want to annoy you!
~Kendra
No, your comments are appreciated.
ReplyDeleteI need a balance with my comments,
support and concern so it's good you found me on here.
And that's my thing,
I've always been a super reactive person to my emotions,
and now that I'm aware of it,
I try not to let them screw with my head as much.
Not as easy as you'd think but I try.
I'm drinking coffee right now,
85 calories.
I was thinking about blueberries,
or some veggies.
I eat like a damn rabbit these day lol.
Lots of veggies with barely any calories.
Thanks again for the comment,
and if you have MSN,
my username's on my profile
if you ever want to chat :D
Thanks again