[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[13] Good Day?

*Yesterday's Thought*
I'm getting ahead of myself,

but I'm feeling pretty good today.

Pretty strong.

*Yesterday's* Intake :

 4 Egg Whites = 64

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 a serving of cream cheese = 17.5

15 Grapes = 30

10 blueberries = 7.5

1/2 scooped 100% Whole Wheat Muffin = 35

1/4 serving of PB = 47.5

1 cracker light PB spread = 10
1/2 Veggie Delight Sub = 230

Total Intake = 476.5


*Today*
Wow, 200 calories less
than what I started with
when I first started blogging on here.
That's encouraging.
Oh, and I went to the gym.
My legs were shaking
and felt like rubber when we left.
I don't feel it yet, 
but I know I will soon.


Damn, I should have skipped on that sub,
but this WHOLE fiasco happened.
I was super hungry,
so I was bugging Wally to go to subway
he wanted to smoke,
but I told him I was getting light headed
so we went.
Then, the entire time, 
he kept complaining
and complaining.
And my appetite went 
right out the damn window!


Then, of course, he started getting pissed at me,
and pissed that I wasn't eating...
So I had to.
I didn't want to.
Took forever!
I just wanted to spit every piece out.


A lot of stress has been
removed from my life,
but seems to have been replaced by another...
I'm getting even harder on myself
because I feel so unwanted.
I can see how fat and squishy my butt is,
I can see the fat under my butt.
I can see the rolls on my tummy when I sit.
I hate it...  All of it...

Even my arms, 
which didn't bug me before
look like flabby grossness...


I wish there was a smoothie shop around here...
I think I'm going to stop by the
fitness shop and look for a good 
additive that burns fat
and start making my own smoothies with it.


Fuck...  I don't want to work today!
Next two days off though.
Apartment hunting!
That's what I need to do,
and go to the gym in the morning.
I need to start doing that.
Kicks up my metabolism for the rest of the day.
Ugh...  Anyone reading,
tell me to get my shit together,
give me some advice how to do so or something!
Thanks :]