[40] I PWN!

I weighed myself two/three nights ago,

and was 111.8 lbs,

Yesterday, 110.6 lbs,

TODAY! Drum roll pleeeeease...

108.6 lbs :D

I guess it won't be too hard to get back down, 

just need to get in some good exercise.

I need a new bike :/

Oh, and the vegan thing failed last night,

I didn't prepare.

I'm going to go to whole foods today

and buy some basics.

Can't spend much cash til the Tuesday after next

when I get paid.  Meh.

Oh well, I need to get out.

Slept til one last night,

I need to get on with my day!

Ciao! :]

[39] Going Vegan! Starting My Slim Down!

So I've decided that I have really got to get on top of slimming my legs down.

Even my stomach needs to be flatter.

I'm going from vegetarian to vegan now,

so no more cheese or other gross animal products for me.

I've always wanted to take the step and go vegan,

I'll use this as some thinspo too :]

Everyone I've told,

aside from the ever-awesome Lauren

who is also going vegan and trying to lose weight,

says, "Oh my god, you're going to turn into a skeleton!" or

"Aren't you skinny enough?"

1. Vegans are not all scrawny skinny, 

I just happen to want to be that way.

And 2. Nope.

I've also taken pics of myself in undies

to track my weight loss and see if I can really see it.

I had a salad for dinner,

but to be quite honest, I'd prefer to get rid of it

and start the weight loss now.

I can eat tomorrow or whatever.

I ate very little today though,

which is always wonderful.

1/2 of a sprout grain bagels [bagel = 40, vcc = 45],

1/2 of a Clif Bar (These are excellent btw) [125]

[Both split with Lauren, I love working with this girl!]

and the black bean, corn, etc salad that I'm about to dispose of. [100 to be safe]

Estimated Total = 320

That's better than I used to do,

but this is only the first day,

and the night is young!

Meh...

Oh wait... I had lunch...

About 300 Extra then...

Damn it...

Terrible day then...

620 calories.

Booooooooo.

I used to be at 400 or less a day before.

Damn it.

Whatever, starting over is rough,

I'll get back into it.

 

I really want to start biking to work now, too.

It'd be great execise, I think it's about 2 miles to work.

That'd be great, 4 miles a day.

Maybe coming home 

I'd take some long ways to get more time in :]

Good good.

Here's me btw.

I like this picture, stretched my body,

only reason it looks good.

You should see when I suck in my stomach.  Ha!

[33] Still Skinny!

Hey everyone!

Sorry I've been AWOL,

I've been worried that even by posting here,

this was becoming a trigger of mine,

but seeing as I'm fucking purging still,

and a lot unfortunately,

that isn't exactly true.

I'm trying to figure out wtf I'm doing.

Here's the gist of recent activity in my life:

1. Started My SAT Prep Classes [good]

2. Filling Out Applications For My Community College [Yay!]

3. Decided To Get My Hair And Tattoo Done [Amazing!]

4. Met Johnathan, my new little hook up [unsure...]

5 Crashed My Fucking Car... [Life=Derailed]

So now, I'm doing my classes online,

I have no way to get to Johnathan or anywhere

which leads to SERIOUS cabin fever.

I didn't have personal property coverage,

so I'm paying for the car out of pocket...

I don't think I will EVER buy another toyota in my life.

Wanna know why?

Because while I'm replacing the 

ENTIRE FRONT OF MY FUCKING CAR

the Honda Oddessey I hit has a mere dent in it's trunk door.

Whatever, the title of this blog is because I'd thought I'd gained

sooooo much weight after I stopped posting.

Apparently not,

I somehow managed to LOSE weight. 

106.0 lbs

That's insane!

Smiles for me.

But jebus... 

Not having  car after having a car is like...

hell.

Independence ripped from my fingers.

[I mostly go out at night,

my bike is broken,

and buses don't run late enough.

I'm not being lazy]

Thanks skinnybusiness  & tearsnsorrow

for your comments and suggestions. :]

Hehe, I'm bAAAAaaaaaack!

[30] WOAH!

Yesterday was TERRIBLE!

Not in a depressing way.

I did purge after dinner,

but I ate candy at the movies with Joey,

and didn't purge.

He was watching me like a hawk,

but he doesn't know a bulimic's tricks.

"I have to pee," yea right.

But he asked me if I was going

to purge when I got home,

and I honestly said no.

I didn't feel sick to my stomach,

chocolate is a godawful thing to purge,

and I figured I'd just do a cleanse today.

I've got a huge bottle of water that I plan to refil

frequently and drain just as frequently

throughout the day.

I've gotta run.

going to get some groomer training this morning!

See you guys.

Oh, and no weigh in this morning.

Too afraid of freaking out

and ruining my day.

I'll have one tomorrow.

Calories thus far [104]

[28] Mad Fail

So, yesterday I was doing pretty well

trying to be normal,

and just eat

and do it by myself.

I'm not some pathetic idiot

who needs to cling to everyone else

for help.

It was ok...

Nearly had a breakdown at lunch

because I went to subway to get a salad

and the guy asked if I wanted Olive Oil

and for some dumb reason I said,

"Sure, just a little."

Lemme tell you...

This kid put on a shit load.

And Olive Oil is like,

sky rocketing

when it comes to calories and fat.

I almost wanted to cry 

walking back to my car.

How fucking ridiculous is that?

My way around it:

Chew and Spit.

Only I swallowed the food,

just spit out the dressing.

It made me calm down

so I ate without freaking.

But then at night,

I just lost it...

I binged,

which you all know

lead to a purge.

I wanted to eat something

to get something back into me.

But I couldn't...

I made coffee,

which I'm guessing was over [100]

but I know that's not enough

but I just couldn't bring myself to eat something 

that late at night...

So, after 12 I'm going to get dressed,

go to the highschool

paint

and go out with Cole most likely to do something

anything

and we'll eat.

And I'll pretend like I'm ok.

Because the world doesn't need to know

about the Drama Queen.

I'm going to have fun,

I'm going to be me.

I've got to end this.

Just typing blogs is starting to tire me.

My arms hurt after the slightest

amounts of lifting at work or anything,

my legs are tired,

my chest is pure bone,

like between my boobs

I see bones...

I've never seen those before.

My ribs are showing more and more

and my spine...

It's like the Rockey Mt.s relocated

onto my back.
And most of all,

I don't want any damage

that can't be fixed.

And I don't want Ana

to eat my brain!

So here goes Day 2.

Wish me luck.  Again.

[27] Normal?

I can't remember

the last time I had 

a normal eating pattern.

But I want to try now...

I think.

The road started getting blurry last night

when I was driving and Kelsie was in the car.

I could have killed my best friend...

I want to cry just thinking about it.

We were going to get my naval pierced

when I started losing focus on the road.

She told me I had to eat

or she'd shove food down my throat.

She works at a hospital.

She started talking tubes 

and god knows what else.

I ate one and a third or a crepe...

I felt like a fucking rock after that...

I felt like my stomach weighted a ton

and I was dragging a ball and chain.

And I ate it at night...

At night!

I hated it...

I felt like I was sleeping 

after swallowing pebbles

that kept bouncing around in my stomach

to keep me up and remind me 

of what I'd be giving up.

But I don't want to hurt anyone,

I don't want to die

and I'm tired of living like this...

I'm nearly bones

and that wasn't what I wanted

to begin with.

Locked away and hating life.

This isn't the only control.

I guess I'll be changing my blog again...

Regaining Control - Leaving ED Behind.

 

So this morning

I skipped weighing myself on the scale.

I don't think I'll be able to do that

and not cry for a while...

I'm trying not to count,

but it's damn hard 

when I've nearly got everything memorized...

4 Egg Whites [64]

Spinach [5]

One Slice of Toast [50]

1/2 serving PB [95]

Coffee [50]

Total [264]

Oh lord...

Here goes nothing...

And to my ana readers/friends,

I feel like I'm letting you down,

and I'm sorry.

But I'm not living for you.

I gotta start living for me.

I love you guys,

and I really hope you all take care of yourselves.

Don't let Ana eat your brain...

Once she gets through your fat and muscle,

she goes for your brain and eats it away.

Be careful.

Now all I've got to do

is stay in the middle 

of Ana and Mia...

Not too little,

not too much...

I am afraid

I want to cry.

But I need to be strong.

Wish me luck?

[26] What Am I Afraid Of?

Today may pretty much

turn into a fast,

planned or not.

Usually I eat

to avoid eating shit later one.

But I'm just not hungry.

I don't even feel like eating my norm.

And even if I start eating,

I just can't.

One bite and it's like

my thoughts are filling my mouth

and sealing it shut.

My weight this morning was 108.2.

I'm almost dropping a pound a day.

I've had eating disorders forever

and I'm afraid of this affecting my mental health

any further than it already has.

I'm debating getting help

but I don't want to give this up!

I'm too fat,

food's so gross.

I don't even know if I can get help.

My step-mother has only ever sent me

to shrinks and therapists

and those haven't been specifically

for my ED's...

I was a COE for 2 years,

but no one ever identifies that

as an ED, especially 

when you're only 11.

I was bulimic for 5 years,

and Mia taught me to lie so well...

I got caught so many times,

and I'd just get sneakier.

Stopped for half a year

because I had to go live

with my father & step mother

because I got caught on a lot of stuff...

Cutting, drinking, pill abuse,

when I was thirteen.

They didn't catch me for the puking

until I went up there and forgot

to flush the toilet a second time...

Broccoli... what a traitor.

Now, I'm not eating.

It's only been a few weeks,

so I wouldn't call myself anorexic

quite yet...  Doesn't seem like

I've earned it/I'm there yet.

But I am concerned.

My step mother will be down

in less than two weeks

and if she doesn't notice anything,

I'm not working hard enough.

That made me want to laugh.

 I have no idea.

I guess I have two more weeks,

and then this may all be over.

I wish I could live like this,

but I'll end up killing myself.

My dad died from liver failure

due to his alcoholism and HepC.

I miss him so much,

but I think that should be 

like a huge, red STOP

sign smacking me in the face.

But I don't know how to ask for help.

I don't know if I'm too afraid

of people getting angry at me

because they'd have to pay

or they'll be angry 

because I've lied for so long.

I'm not sure if I sugar coat it

to avoid being hospitalized.

I don't want to end up with tubes

and wires and computers hooked on me...

with god knows how many calories

pouring in under my skin

turning me into a big, 

fleshy water balloon.

I'm just not going to stress

and just go with what happens for now.

That's all I really can do.

I'm worried my ED 

may be hindering me

from getting over Wally.

That's I think my major concern.

I don't want to be held back in life.

 

[24] So Good, I'm Too Good

I've gotten to the point 

where even if I'm hungry

I can't even bring myself to eat.

Lost another 3/5 of a pound.

I'm at 109,

but that was weighed before 

I even went to the bathroom.

I ate next to nothing yesterday.

This morning,

I went to Kelsie's before

we were going to the gym.

Her dad made us breakfast,

only he made regular eggs...

not egg whites...

THREE OF THEM.

I couldn't say anything...

I could only finish two through [144],

and thank god Kelsie didn't press...

She knows how I am.

For the rest of the day, 

all I had was coffee [85]

and I just wasn't hungry...

Even made myself a salad

and brought a boca burger 

to add to it,

and I just wasn't hungry at all.

And since I'm going to the gym

again now with my sister

I'm eating something at least.

A slice of whole wheat toast [50]

with red pepper [15], 

onion [5],

 tomatoes [5],

portabella [20],

and the provolone I couldn't pick off... [60].

Working on some coffee too,

but I think I'm only gonna

make it through half of it [40].

Total today = 424

That number pisses me off so much,

but I can't pass out and get into trouble.

Ugh...  

*     *     *


K, so gym.
As soon as I got their,
I was in a battlefield of conflict.
Whilst I was searching for parking,
I saw Wally's car.
He was there too...
Thank god the cardio area was upstairs,
but all I wanted to do was see him,
talk to him.  
Just a "Hello, I miss you so much
please come back to me..."


I didn't see him though,
and his car was gone when I left...
And then I fell apart in the car.
I miss him so much...
I made my sister cry too.
That's what always happens with us.
She hugged me and kissed my head,
comforted by my 13 year old sister...
Wow, makes me laugh.


I'm going to see Kelsie 
before she gets off of work.
She got some of the money
Wally still owed me.


And I told her.
And I'll talk to her.
And I'll probably cry again.
Probably feel like my heart 
is going to explode from within my chest.
Choke.  Forget how to breathe.
It'll hurt, but I'll make it.
I miss him so much...
But this is the way it is,
and I've got to get with it.
I won't be miserable forever...
I just won't.


On a lighter, 
more controlled note.
I burned 475.5 calories.
That puts me at -51.5 calories.
Decent, but I could do better.

[22] First Time In Ten Years

I weight 109.6!

I can't believe I weight less 

than I have in ten years.

A few things I haven't

mentioned abut myself.

I've had an ED since I was 10.

Started as a

Compulsive Over Eater

then, at thirteen

I saw a documentary

about girls with eating disorders

in rehab.

All I saw were pretty people

with an amazing secret

to stay pretty.

So I started binging and purging.

I went from 150

to 120 in a matter of no time.

I've been struggling

to lose weight,

but Mia is not the way.

But dear lord the hold she 

had/has on me...

It was unbreakable.

Now, I've lost the weight I've wanted, 

and I've officially gone

an entire day without

binging or purging.

I'm happy,

but I know it's not over yet.

Getting past the grinding

thoughts of "Just one bite"

and then "That was waaaaay to much.

Get rid of it."

It's terrible.

But I'm not giving up this time.

I'm so done with Mia.

I'll post my calorie count later,

got to get ready for work.

Thanks for reading! <3

[21] Well Damn!

I did damn good today.

Breakfas was 4 egg whites [64]

some white onion [16]

8 cherry tomatoes [24]

Lunch was a portabella mushroom [15]

sandwich with red pepper [10]

a side salad [30].

And now I've eaten

a bite of my mother's pasta [15]

8 bite-sized pieces of pineapple [80]

and had some coffee

with non-dairy creamer [40]

and brown sugar [45]

because ants got into the regular sugar. 

Total = 339 calories.

And awesomely burned 

520.7 calories

at the gym.

That puts me at -181.7 calories today.

Awesome!

This is my best day yet.

I'm kinda hungry though,

but not that bad.

I'll drink water.

It's probably just my

late night B/P crave.

But I am not ruining this.

Not a chance!

Oh, and I went to the beach

with my little sister today.

I've decided to start rebuilding 

my relationship with her.

I actually wore shorts to the beach,

and took them off to swim in just

my bikini. 

It's a huge deal to me,

I'm usually so self-conscious, 

I feel fucking gross in shorts.

Can't wait until my period goes away...

I've been so bloated!

Thank god the cramps are gone.

Fucking terrible.

I can't wait to weigh myself in the morning!

[20] Happy!

I haven't weighed under

110 pounds in years!

Like...  Since I was 10.

And as of today, 

I weight 110.2 lbs.

I am so close!

Tomorrow I bet you anything

I'll be there.

And I am so excited!

I don't even want to eat breakfast right now!

I just feel like  could run on air right now.

I'm so going to the gym today.

My face might break from this smile!