[12] MOVE!

I hate my mother.

You all say I can't

because she's my mother.

You're right.

A part of me loves her as my mother,

but that's because a part of me is my mother.

But I hate her as a person.

I hate everything about her.

I hate what she's put me through,

the choices she's made,

everything.

I got molested when I was 11,

she didn't do a damn thing about it.

Why?

Because I, 

the 11 year old, 

scared to death molestee

asked her not to.

Because she didn't want to start trouble

with a family friend.

Yea, an old bastard with a wife

and a son who was like my brother.

The guy was like a fucking father figure to me.

And nothing was ever done about.

Haunted me for years.

Ate away at every part of me 

until there was only fear and hate left.

And when she found out I was bulimic.

She told me to cut the crap,

that I was wasting her money.

That I disgusted her.

[Heard that on more than one occasion.]

When she saw my cuts,

"I don't want to see that,"

in her ever so popular 

tone of disgust.

Translation : Cover them up,

I'm not going to help you.

And a million other things I hate about her.

Now, after a year of the same situation

going on between me an Wally,

she keeps trying to shove her nose into everything.

She doesn't give a fuck if I get hurt,

she wants to have control over me

and tell me he can't spend the night anymore.

No worries guys,

I'm not getting hurt.

We're company for one another

because that's all we've ever known.

It may hurt in the end,

but I'll live.

So I need to find that number,

check out those apartments,

and drag Kelsie's ass there

so we can rent it

and I can get the fuck out of here,

because my god,

the thoughts I have of fighting my mother

fist-to-face

are almost so delightful

that I can taste them.

But again, no worries,

I won't.

She's not worth going to prison over.

Rant Over

I purged four times yesterday.

I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

Obviously that doesn't work.

I'm still not going over 600 calories a day,

so at least that is good.

But  swear I can feel my metabolism STOP

when I purge.

But I've been purging everything up,

waiting until I can't taste whatever it was I ate.

And I still need a new scale...

I'm losing my mind not knowing what I weigh!

Maybe that's where I lost my motivation...

I lost my numbers...

I wasn't even counting yesterday when I binged!

Counting is the strongest defense I have 

to control myself.

I need to concentrate on that more.

I cannot wait to move out!