[10] I Suck

That's just all there is to it.
Last week, I did so amazing
I was dropping a pound a day.

Last week, all food looked like 
FAT FAT FAT FAT.

This week, food and FAT
are working their hardest
to get back at me for my success.
Fuck 'em.
I'm going to try going back
to what I was doing then.

Maybe this will work,
maybe it won't.
Either way, it's worth a shot.

And I'm not posting any weights
until I get my own goddamn scale.
I'm sick of the one here
telling me I'm thin
then the ones everywhere else
telling me the truth.
I'm a fucking cow.

I made it to the gym last night though.
I was so fucking happy that I finally went again.
Missed 2 days.
Elliptical = 300 burned
I could have done so much better,
but I kept getting this fucking pain
in my front-left side above my hip.
Then I did 3 sets on the abs/obliques machine.
20 front, 12 each side
Then I did the hamstrings, 3 sets
20, 12, 20
Then step ups, but I was almost dizzy.
Only one set of 20 on each leg :/
Oh, and 40 squats, 20 lunges
throughout the day at work.

I had one of those stupid smoothies though,
but this time I got the 'Fat Fighter.'
80 calories, with some shit that just
eats up fat, burns it faster.

New light dawned on me though.
Another reason why I fail
is because sometimes I'm happy
that I'm making progress,
when people say,
"You're so skinny!"
It's like... 'Then, maybe just one bite...' and a billion more!

Then we're back to square one,
me back to puking in the toilet
cleaning myself out
while also letting the acids
burn me from the inside out.

I don't want that anymore.
So, I'm going to do what always helps me.
Re-read my book on anorexia,
trying to convince me that it's wrong,
but only making it feel more right.
Then maybe watch some videos.

Quick history lesson on me,
I was fat as a kid.
Go fucking figure.
150lbs at 5 ft.
'Compulsive Overeater.'
God I remember that shit...
I don't know how on earth
I used to keep it all down.
That was from 11-13.
Then at 13, I watched a documentary
on HBO, by chance.
I was intrigued by these
beautiful bones girls,
and I wanted to be one.
So this documentary,
showing me their struggles,
their dissipation
made me try purging for the first time.
And I LOVED IT!

I mean, I could eat anything
and get away with it!
Now, I hate it...
Now I struggle with it.
Now I fight it off with all that I've got
and it isn't enough...
Mia is relentless,
and Ana can't even save me.

She will though.
I will.
And I will lose even more weight,
because Mia never took away
this huge ass,
the large gut,
the flabby arms,
the gelatinous thighs!
Mia left those there
as a constant reminder
that I am a failure.

Not anymore.
Ana will take all that away,
and I will be beautiful.