[23] So, My Best Friend...

Wally and I are finito,

but my best friend Kelsie

just confessed to me that 

she does in fact have a crush on him.

But no matter how much

I tried to tell her to just do what she wants

and leave me the fuck alone,

she kept insisting that it wasn't worth

losing me as her best friend,

and that she loves me.

She really is the one friend

that I love undoubtedly

because she has always been there for me

and she truly is an amazing person

who helps me get through anything.

So this was an odd predicament,

and we met up to talk.

I told her that I will trust her,

because I want to have her as my friend always.

But if she EVER did anything,

she'd better tell me

and that she and he would both be dead to me

for good.
And I mean...
We were looking to be roomates
together too...  
She can't fuck that up.

So she's talking to Wally,

because it's as if nothing happened.

She's still my best friend,

and she loves me

and wants to help me be happy.

And she knows the whole Wally thing

is making me miserable

so she's talking to Wally to tell him

that I do want to be friends,

but I can't right now while

I'm still not over him.

So he needs to leave me alone 

so I can get over him.

I ate my eggs this morning [64]

spinach [10], onions [10].

I had coffee too though [50].

So that's 134.

I screwed up,

threw up,

but I'm sure I got at least 

200 calories left afterward.

Kelsie's going to call me 

after they're done eating/talking.

It's good, and  do need this,

but geez today was wretched...

Oh, and I pretty much filled her in

on what's been going on with me.

The restricting, 

and I've been cutting again.

I never ike admitting that

but I told her why I did it to.

Punishment.

Last night, 

I just couldn't stop fucking

thinking about Wally.

So every time I thought of him,

I'd cut.  And cut.

It helped, but took a while,

if you know what I'm getting at.

On top of that, 

my blood pressure 

was so freaking low

I didn't even bleed more 

than enough to fill the cut 

and dry/scab over immediately.

Crazy...

I think I want to go to sleep.

This day has just bee exhausting...